ANTI-Comic Book Guy

[This article was previously published here, on my DeviantArt profile.]

I’m not one to bash characters, but I think I’m going to make an exception for THIS disgusting cyst of vice.

The Comic Book Guy used to be a mockery of all the negative traits of a stereotypical geek. At the time, he was already pretty unpleasant, but he always had some sort of comeuppance, usually due to his own idiocy.

But not anymore.

Now, obese, self-entitled nerds are a key demographic. You know their kind. The ones who say that a video game sucks if it’s not made to appeal to their every whim, the ones who automatically decided that the new “Ghostbusters” movie sucks because it’s an all-female cast, the ones who demand to be recognized as the only opinion that matters about every single movie, cartoon, comic book, manga and so forth that has ever been made.
Logically, showing a parody of such individuals as a negative characters, who doesn’t get what he wants, would alienate this key demographic, which would be suicidal on a marketing point of view.
So, they turned him into the living fantasy of every Internet Fedora-wearing crybaby: to get whatever he wants without having to put any actual effort into it.

He now even got himself a girlfriend, and who is she?

An Asian mangaka with anime-like hair who never contradicts him; she could be more of a mere weeaboo sex object only if she was a shy neko-loli with a natural DD and giant glasses wearing only naked aprons, maid outfits and various cosplays of Saber from the “Fate” series.
What IS wrong with this, you may ask?

It’s quite simple: apart from being both nerds, they have no chemistry, nothing to build a relationship on.
And how could it be any different?
She was created just to say to weeaboos: “Hey, guys, good news! You will get a hot waifu without having to actually become decent people!”.

He never did anything good for her, he takes her for granted, and they could not be any more different.
She is successful, able, artistic, selfless and caring.
He is a narcissistic, self-centered, self-indulgent, greedy, lying, manipulative, patronizing, elitist, brutish, violence-prone, misogynist, vile, physically repulsive, bad-looking, unhealthy, immature, childish, self-entitled, celebrity-stalking monument to the very idea of wasted human potential.

He embodies every single one of the Seven Deadly Sins!

Envy: he can’t accept that someone is having more success than he does.
Lust: he is a deranged sex offender, known to be a stalker to Linda Carter.
Gluttony: do I even have to explain this one?
Pride: he believes that his ability to quote comic book passages makes him automatically better than any other comic book fan in the world. Heck, he gets patronizing at Stan Lee, no less! He believes himself to be better than Smiling Stan “The Man” Lee!
Greed: he often lies to get his hands on prized memorabilia for ludicrously low prices, and tricks his clients into buying things they don’t want.
Wrath: when a new comic book shop is opened, he tries to destroy it with ninja weaponry.
Sloth: not only in the sense of being lazy, but also in the more archaic sense of being all-around indolent.

I repeat, I do NOT hate him for being a Nerd: his rival from that one episode with Alan Moore was as much of a nerd as he is, but at least he was a decent human being.
The worst part is that the Comic Book Guy NEVER gets his just punishment.
Do you know what was the worst thing to happen to him in the last decade? Getting a pie in his face.
A fucking PIE!
That’s not a karmic punishment, that’s a completely harmless clown prank!
This guy is like Ronaldo from Steven Universe! He has literal NO redeeming qualities, but the fact that he is not a main antagonist and doesn’t pose a direct threat to the protagonists means he can get away with everything he does, no matter how vile and morally disgusting, absolutely scot-free!

Plus, there is no reason for him to be like this:
He is not socially handicapped, seeing that his job requires him to meet a lot of people.
He is not retarded, considering that he is one of Springfield’s most intelligent people, worthy of being in the Mensa.
He does not seem to be affected by any mental or neurological disorder.

That can mean one thing, and one thing only: all the evil stuff he does, he does out of genuine malice.

Thank for reading my rambling.
Please, let me know your opinion in the comments.


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