[Review originally published in Italian. English translation made by -vanesiis-.]
Super good morning (or super goodnight, if you are nocturnal animals, too), this is Jigokuko speaking!
“And who is this now?” you’re probably wondering.
I will explain it right now.
I’m a new demolish-reviewer; ever since I was bad at writing I have always cringed (and just died of envy, let’s face it) because of wretched fanfictions about Harry Styles, One Direction in general, Justin Bieber, K-Pop and all of that, wondering how the hell such banal and poorly written stories could have such a massive following, whereas only my dog paid attention to me when I wrote. And he can’t read.
So, with a little bit of a grudge in my black heart, when I was given the opportunity to review some of them, I just went for it. Partly because I like to hurt myself, partly to avoid making those kinds of mistakes when I write my own stories.Speaking a little about myself in general… I don’t really like talking about me, but if you have passions such as Yu-Gi-Oh!, Fire Emblem, Dragon Ball and Pokémon, feel free to contact me. I would be pleased to find someone to talk to about these topics. :3c
Finding me on Wattpad or EFP is not that hard: my handle is always Jigokuko.
Okay, sorry for the emoticon and the boring introduction. We’re here to demolish an abomination. Who cares if I like card games for kids riding a motorcycle?
The “story” we’re going to talk about today as my first review is The Pastor by sunflower-stylesVol6 and it’s… a daddy-kink fanfiction. Featuring Harry Styles, if that wasn’t clear enough. And the Church is involved.
I’m sorry for you all.
vanesiis: – Actually, this is the English translation of the review of the Italian translation of this fanfiction: I hope you are not confused. Anyway, we shall follow the original review as much as we can, since (luckily) only a part of this horrible fanfiction was translated in Italian. In a subsequent review, we shall deal with the English text for the first time. –
Shade Owl: – Daddy is generally a term used to indicate a mature man who has a relationship with a much younger girl, who in return receives money to support herself. The average ages are 40~50 for him and ~20 for her. Therefore, this story cannot be a daddy, as Harry is twenty and Adeline is sixteen. The author wrote nonsense, not a daddy… he doesn’t even support her.
Evgenij: – On the other hand, too many so-called daddy wretched fanfictions don’t follow these rules. Nothing strange, in the end. –
The introduction reads:
Adeline, the pastors not-so-innocent daughter. Harry, the sexually frustrated atheist. "Kneel by your bed and pray to your God before I spank the shít out of you, baby girl."
Putting aside the fact that (spoiler) nothing of what is written above is true, I have no words and we’re just at the beginning. We haven’t even opened the fic yet!
After confirming that we aren’t talking about a trip to the farm but, worse, to church, we open the fic at our own risk.
I decided to take a partner with me on this crazy adventure of mine: I need moral support (which he won’t give me) but also someone who reads me the “hot” parts, so I don’t have to go and vomit whenever I find one of them. So I introduce to you Suetiekh!
He’s an OC of mine, the embodiment of all that is evil, a representation of Satan in a nutshell; he can become what he wants and I have turned him into a fair reviewer to hurt him. Sorry if he’s naked and has three more eyes than usual in the picture.
Suetiekh: – I don’t want to do this. –
Jigokuko: – You happen to be born inside my mind so, like it or not, you will stay here. –
Suetiekh: – … –
Well, now that we’re over the skit, let’s look at what we got here. The “story” consists of sixteen chapters, two of which are actually just an update and an advertisement of a new Harry Styles fanfiction by the same author, so fourteen real chapters. Mmmmmh. But let’s move on.
This time, our dear stereotypical female main character, commonly referred to as Hope in our reviews, is called, in fact, Adeline. I’ll tell you right away I hated her with all my heart, we’ll soon find out why.
“In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen”
Jigokuko: – Amen. –
Suetiekh: – No. –
Jigokuko: – Sorry. –
Our beautiful young lady is at church while Mass is held, but she complains of the heat and, after the celebration, instead of going out with her family, she decides to sneak away because she “had better plans”.
I snuck behind some fat old lady, shielding myself from the gaze of a family member, and began walking out with her.
Okay, leaving aside the body-shaming, know this: the first few lines were written in the past simple tense and then, when the miserable description of what was happening is over, boom! (a shot) We moved on to the present tense. This already served to offend my sensibility. Imagine when we will get to the “““““““highlight””””””” of the story.
Once I had managed to shuffle out the door, I immediately sprinted away from the church. Making my way to the abandoned shed,
IS IT THAT OR NOT? OF COUUUURSE IT IS!
Shade Owl: – THE MIGHTY ABANDONED SHED™!!! –
the place where all my friends and people around my age went to hang out without being seen by parents. The older kids would bring in alcohol and cigarettes for us all, and we had made a makeshift bedroom behind the shed where people would go to have sex.
Honestly, I find the last part quite perverse and also nonsensical. Rooms in a shed? Correct me if I’m wrong, but they usually don’t have them.
Shade Owl: – Actually, it depends. Sometimes in the sheds, there are small rooms used as offices where inventory documents and personnel files are kept and where in general all the bureaucratic aspects are carried out. In any case, they are made with plasterboard walls at best, it’s not like the acoustic insulation is that good… –
And what about hygiene? I hope that that mattress will be cleaned after being used.
There is Adeline’s very accurate description of the “I have a plaid skirt and long flapping hair” level and then she complains about being an hour late due to the stupid church.
Entering the shed, her Generic Best Friend™ Sammie joins her screaming “you’ll never guess what happened”, then she explains that those Dan and Isaac fought because they both wanted to ask her out. Two primates.
It must be said, however, that here we have the variant of the Hope: the asshole and badass version, because she’s a strong woman and can afford to be mean towards the male gender.
I don’t know if I’m more disgusted by the nerd beaten up by everyone, as pure as an angel variant, or the full-of-herself preppy bad girl. Both, just in case.
Strutting around, Adeline reaches the other present friends of hers and says she heard someone wants to ask her out, six of them raise their hands but she only looks at the same two apes.
Heaven forbid that our protagonist is a fugly one or a very standard girl. No, she must be an atomic hottie.
“You two-” I pointed at them, “-come with me”
They both shot up as the rest of the guys booed. I walked with them both behind me out to the back room. The back room was just a wall frame with tarp over it and a mattress inside that was surprisingly cleaned after every session. Yes we were kids, but we’re not that stupid.
Okay, here I have to change my mind: apparently, there isn’t a real “room” (maybe the author could explain it before, right? — Or say it directly now at least.) And they clean the mattress. Well done. I have my doubts about that “we’re not that stupid”, though. Dear Adeline, you will have great opportunities to prove otherwise.
They both shot up as the rest of the guys booed. I walked with them both behind me out to the back room. The back room was just a wall frame with tarp over it and a mattress inside that was surprisingly cleaned after every session. Yes we were kids, but we’re not that stupid.
I pushed both boys on the bed, I stared directly at Dan, his blonde hair was messed up and his blue eyes were tinted red from smoking some type of drug. I leaned in closer to him and kissed him on the side of his mouth, my eyes staring into Isaac’s green ones teasingly.
I definitely preferred Isaac, I was just saving the best till last. Dans hand immediately reached for my boob but I swatted it away and got off of him. “No touching” I scolded. I then moved on to Isaac, his eyes widening when he realised I was coming towards him. I sat directly on his lap and watched his face carefully for his reaction.
His mouth dropped open and his eyes screwed shut. I started rocking my hips forward on him and he let out a noise that resembled a squealing pig. I couldn’t help but laugh.
I doubled over laughing clutching my stomach and it seemed Dan was doing the same thing.
“Come on guys it’s not that funny”
“Alright Wilbur” I mocked, giving him a new nickname unintentionally. Dan laughed even harder and we both started exiting the back room to go back in the shed.
… Can I say something? Those two kids may have been immature and reactionary to beat each other for a fEmAlE, but her attitude broke my so-called ones that I lack of.
Perhaps I’m still too prim or selective, but, frankly, that behaviour of hers, by which she wants to deceive them, is hateful and really bothers me to say the least: either lie with them or don’t. Heh.
Moreover, poor Isaac: he was made fun of for something he’s not to blame (and it won’t be the last time he’s called Wilbur). Shall we give him an F of comfort, please?
The chapter ends with the three idiot-friends who come back and find a stranger among the group of boys: he’s very tall and he’s staring at Adeline “with green emeralds” while biting his lip and running a hand through his hair. Creepy.
Evgenij: – And here is the arrival on the scene of Harry Styles, complete with green eyes, curly hair and cyclopean height! –
She almost melts down and says she’s being intimidated by a guy for the first time in her whole life.
And of course, a guy feels uneasy: in many wretched fanfictions, Harry Styles is described as a huge guy, as tall as a building, as wide as a six-door wardrobe and capable of flipping you over like a sock with a slap. Well, I’d be afraid, too (and I smashed my head against a friend of mine who is almost two meters tall :D).
Chapter 2. Hope informs us that Harry had come to pick up his younger brother and that he had never seen him in town (we don’t know what town), despite it being small.
He was intimidating, the way he stared at me seemed as if he had just learnt my whole life story and judged me upon it.
Nevertheless I was scared of him.
Something foreign to me, I loved talking to boys but this Harry man made me feel different. People would call me the town slut. The thing is, I don’t care at all because I know they’re all wrong. I haven’t even lost my virginity.
First: C R E E P Y.
Second (vanesiis’ contribution): the verbal tense is wrong in the final paragraph and there is no specific logic between the sentences.
Third: take it easy, your virginity will leave you soon (at least from what I understand, it’s all very badly written).
Shade Owl: – Well… I’ve seen better ordered lists… –
There is a fluff scene at home and then Adeline’s mother announces that Melanie’s boyfriend is coming over for dinner. Come on, I don’t even need to tell you who it is; it’s too obvious.
This news was exciting to me, my sister was sweet and innocent and wouldn’t dare have sex until after marriage. I wonder how this man would put up with that.
First: LET HER BE, WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU WHETHER SHE WANTS TO COPULATE BEFORE MARRIAGE OR NOT?
Second: pffff, just all girls give their ass to great Harry because no one can resist the bæd boi.
There is another descriptive, fluff scene about the girl’s clothing and then she goes to the kitchen.
As soon as I entered the room and noticed the familiar brown curls and emerald eyes, my body froze.
“Harry” I mumbled unknowingly.
“Oh! So you two have met?” Mother cheered.
“I don’t think so” Harry said slowly, turning his head back to his previous conversation.
How rude.
Excuse me, what was he supposed to say? “Yeah sure, I met her this morning and I was fucking her just with my eyes. Mmmmh, hooray for the minors”? Also, I would like to point out Harry’s pathos and idyllic description. Chef kiss.
Adeline feels uncomfortable because Harry keeps staring at her and she drops a spoon with the puree getting her skirt dirty, so she goes to the bathroom to clean up.
While she is there, a voice that “was too low to be my fathers” asks her if she needs help, adding a very disturbing “love”.
“Really, I can help if you like. I mean I’m the one who caused it” he smirked
Jigokuko: – STEP BACK, SATAAAAAAN –
Suetiekh: – I am offended. Do I look like that guy? –
Jigokuko: – You’re right. Forgive me, great love of my life. –
Suetiekh: – … Shut up and continue to tell this ugliness, already. –
Ahem.
“No, I dropped my spoon, it was mine don’t worry about it”
“Oh baby girl, you’re very polite”
No, come on, I can’t do this. It’s both aberrant and hilarious. Basically he asks her age, she says sixteen and then she asks him the same thing. Harry is twenty-one. Brrr.
Evgenij: – Heh, on Wattpad the minimum age for sexual intercourse in the stories is sixteen: so, it wasn’t chosen by chance. –
Then Hope makes her way out but the door is locked.
“Are you scared of me Adeline?” He smirked.
“N-No Harry why would I be?” I stuttered.
“Because darling, the more attention I show you, the more nervous you get”
“Well maybe that’s just the person I am” I laughed.
“That’s not what I’ve heard, apparently you’re quite the flirt with the other boys around town. That’s what my brother told me”
I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t.
“Adeline do I make you nervous” he smirked, placing his soft hand on my hip. My eyes widened and I couldn’t help but feel a rush of heat slither up my body.
“N-No” I spluttered.
“Oh, I don’t?” He questioned, sliding his hand from my hip, to the small of my back, then he began sliding down until it was almost at my ass.
“Yes!” I snapped, getting worried of what would happen. When really my body was craving for it to happen.
I shut my eyes and in an instant, his hand left my body, making me feel cold.
When I reopened them, Harry was gone.
SOMEONE CALL THE COPS.
OR THE POLICE.
OR THE POLI-COPS.
Adeline, are you stupid? Your sister’s adult boyfriend harasses you like this and the only thing you can say is that your body craved that contact? If I were you, I would have screamed until his eardrums broke and then I would have beaten him with anything handy I would’ve possibly found.
Shade Owl: – Very well, let us make a game: I’ll drink a shot for each one of these creepy scenes and insultingly stupid representations of sexual harassment! –
Okay, let’s go to the next chapter.
Chapter 3. We’re at school. Adeline and Sammie (spelled “Semmie” this time) chat and then Hope goes to the math classroom, where Isaac (called “Willbur”. F.) and Jacob, Harry’s little brother, sit next to her.
The latter asks her what she thinks about her brother, since he was at her house the other night. She replies in a pretty generic way, but he’s a pain in the ass in order to get to know more.
In the end, the two idiots agree to go together to the Styles’ house after school lessons. What a mistake.
Once arriving in the house, which has “large and very modernized” as the only description, Hope finally realizes that she’s in the same place where the guy who molested her, but who still makes her corazón beat, lives. As the two go to their room to study, they see Harry and greet each other.
“Yes! That’s right Jacob good job.” I congratulated the boy in front of me for getting the correct answer. “Oh piss break” he chucked sweetly before rushing out. Jacob was just a joyful kid and he seemed to make me smile.
“Oh, Adeline!” Someone moaned.
Oh no. Adeline, dumbest girl in the world, leaves the room and goes to spy on Harry, finding him on the bed that … is having fun with his own hand. Seeing that scene, she ends up making noise and he notices her. She decides to run away and come back to Jacob’s room, pretending nothing has ever happened.
But great Harry pops out from the door like a stalker and asks her if there is something wrong (Adeline, please, run away), but luckily his brother comes back… and he is immediately dismissed by Harry because he forgot about his football training.
Before leaving, the brother asks her if she wants to go home but Harry says he will give her a lift. (911 if you are in America. 999 in England.)
SO THE BROTHER TAKES OFF, LEAVING HER THERE.
Rightly, Adeline wants to go back on foot but Styles insists and she accepts.
NO, DON’T DO IT, DUMBASS.
In the car, Harry tells Hopeline that he knows what she saw, but she denies it. He wanted to be seen, though, because he had to know how it affects him.
Adeline, you still have time to jump out of the speeding car. It doesn’t matter if you get terribly hurt, I’d just be happy.
Then he places his hand on her thigh, but then he takes it off to go back to driving. Bravo, Harry: safety first.
Then Harry’s sexy mood just shut off. He took away his hand and stared back at the road. My confusion was taken over my anger. Why does he think he can get me so worked up and then just stop? Fine. If he wanted to play a little game, then I would too.
No, stop. I remind you he is a grown man, not one of the usual kids you fuck with and then leave empty-handed. This tank, if he gets upset, will turn you upside down.
I bent over underneath me into my bag to pull out a cherry lollipop. On my way back up I lifted my plaid skirt higher up my thigh. I unwrapped my lollipop and started sucking on it. Lapping my tongue around it then sucking off the juices. I looked over to Harry who visibly gulped and let out a shaky breath, watching me intently with dark cloudy eyes, lust.
“Harry, you want a lick?” I asked innocently, holding my lollipop up to his mouth. He took it into his mouth, keeping his eyes on me. When he took it out, his saliva was still on it, he did that on purpose to see what id do.
I sucked up all the liquid from the lollipop and licked my lips.
Harry groaned and swerved the car to a side street before parking it. He leaned y back in his chair and pat his lap.
“Get on my lap now, Adeline.” he demanded.
“W-what?” My eyes went wide. I only wanted to tease him.
“Finish what you started, babe, it’s only fair” he growled huskily, his voice going a few tones lower.
I hesitantly swung my legs over his lap, soon embrace the feeling of his bulge against my clothed core. Thank god I wore a skirt.
Leaving aside the cringe thing of the dark cloudy eyes, WHAT AM I READING. HE SCARES YOU, HE’S INTIMIDATING YOU AND WHAT DO YOU DO? OBSCENITY WITH A LOLLIPOP?
AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU THANKING GOD FOR WEARING A SKIRT?!
Enough, I have a headache. I can’t do it.
A very tall and sinuous figure appeared behind the reviewer. He leaned over her, sliding long, silky raven-black locks over her brown curls, blending together. Two cold, white, thin, large hands were placed on her shoulders, then they slided forward, generating what appeared to be a hug but it was actually his way of capturing a prey.
– Do I have to continue here? – asked the creature, in a low tone of voice, from which no emotion was revealed. The victim nodded, half-closing her eyes and letting herself be lulled by that being as fascinating as dangerous.
Suetiekh: – Well, let’s get started. Dumbass sits on the pack of Idiot and starts to move, while he gropes her a bit everywh… –
A female voice came from below, interrupting his rant. – NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! –
The raven-haired frowned at her. – What’s the matter now? – he asked, staring at the gremlin in his arms, who was glowering at him.
– We’re in a family-friendly place here, you can’t be so explicit! – she retorted.
– It was you who wanted me here with you. It was still you that wanted me to continue, and you know I speak bluntly. –
– But this is a fanfiction that deals with the Church, give some respect to the saints since the author doesn’t have it. –
– … You’re reviewing it with SATAN by your side and you have the courage to say these things? Are you stupid? –
– GO AWAYYYY! – she pulled out a crucifix, pointing it at him. The Devil, however, didn’t bat an eye.
– Well? – she observed him, in those scarlet eyes surrounded by a black sclera.
The man opened his jaw and bit the object, splitting it in two and swallowing it whole. Then, he closed his face to the young woman’s ear.
– You’ll be next – he whispered, disappearing through the wall.
– I wish. –
AHEM— COUGH. Sorry if everything has degenerated with him. Better if I continue already.
As you read earlier, Adeline sits on top of Harry, starting to move as he touches her uncontrollably. Now, since everything is very badly written, I did not understand if there was actually a full act or not. If you want to get your own idea, go look for the fic at your own risk.
The chapter ends with her wetting his pants and apologizing, but he says it was hot, so it’s all good, and a “what the fuck just happened?”.
Heh, you tell me, miss I have not even lost my virginity (always assuming it didn’t happen, it was impossible to understand what actually happened).
Shade Owl [now in front of a row of empty little glasses]: – Hic… –
Chapter 4. We’re at school again and Harry shows up in Adeline’s class, telling the teacher he has come to pick her up.
And what does the idiot do? Without any protest or confusion whatsoever, she picks up her things and walks off with him. OKAY.
“Nice to see you too” he scoffed.
“Look, I’m not in the mood for your ‘sexual needs’ right now, I’m in school for gods sake can’t it wait?” I spat, he just chuckled.
And then, poor God, the only real victim here is him.
Shade Owl [with a clouded look]: – Shoorryy… maaaybe I’m a biit tiphsy… but I think you musht be a relative to pruck— preck— pick someone up from school… –
So, Harry has come to take her on behalf of her mother but she tells him to go fuck himself, so he calls her a whore just to add more seriousness to this mess.
I was no longer hurt, more like infuriated. You see I’m not the type to get shit and not serve it up back. If somebody made me mad, I wasn’t one to keep quiet.
What about this breaking down of the fourth wall? What is this, metaliterature? We don’t really know a goddamn thing about you, honey: all you’ve done so far has been run away from Mass, get dirty with puree and allow that asshole to harass you. You’ve never shown yourself as the kind of person who can’t keep quiet, but rather just as a little girl who wants to be transgressive.
“No. How about you listen babe. I will say whatever I please to you and you can’t do anything about it, and why? Because if you do then I’ll go tell my mummy and daddy that the innocent little pastors daughter was forced into sitting on Harry’s lap and to do dirty things with him.” I challenged.
He parted his lips and stood there wide eyed before a stern look came across his face.
“Or I could tell them that their dirty little slut of a daughter jumped onto me and rubber her pretty little pussy onto daddy’s big cock” he seethed, his dirty works turning me on the slightest but my anger was much more overpowering.
Heh, never mind. On the other hand, he’s really a gentleman.
The futile fight continues until the ape grabs her wrist and takes her home, where a micro time skip takes place. Here is Adeline’s mother who tells her to move her stuff into the old studio because Harry will come to live with them, but since they don’t want intercourses between him and Melanie they have to put him in her younger sister’s room.
And here I wonder why they didn’t move him in that studio, they would have saved her time and her complaints. But of course this is only an excuse for the next scene. Hopeline goes upstairs into her room, finding Harry rummaging in a box and pulling out a dildo of it. She gets pissed, he says he wants to see her with that and she gets pissed even more.
“Give me my stuff back right now you curly sack of shit” I spat.
Still laughing, he handed me the box and walked out the room clutching his stomach.
“Jackass” I mumbled.
So pretty, Adeline, wouldn’t you wish to have this lovely young lady as a girlfriend? It’s not like Harry is different, huh.
Another time skip and Hope gets a call from her BFF inviting her to a party. After a useless description of clothing and makeup, she runs out of the window and gets in the car with Jacob, who stares at her because she has worn a skimpy dress.
Shade Owl [raising another glass]: – THOSE THAT WERE BORN IN FEBRUARY, STAND UP, STAND UP— –
Chapter 5. During the party, a drunken Jacob starts to dance with her, tells her he likes her dress and then they go to his house. Yes, he drives while intoxicated and unfortunately they don’t even crash. Then…
Suetiekh: – Do I have to say it? –
Jigokuko: – Nothing vulg— when did you appear? –
Suetiekh: – I am everywhere and nowhere. –
Jigokuko: – Ah, a kind of wretched fanfiction’s bad boy, great. –
Suetiekh [sighing]: – Whatever. –
So, the sucker throws her on the bed, they make out and she begins to strip him, then performs an oral intercourse, everything with the detailed description of a porn scene.
Suetiekh: – Are you okay with that? –
Jigokuko: – Better than before, thanks. –
After that, Jacob wants to bring her back home, but a voice is butting him and it tells him that he can’t. Obviously it’s Harry (but didn’t he live at her house? Dunno…), who strangely says one thing right: her brother is too drunk to drive her home, so he will do it.
In the car, Harry complains that she went down on Jacob and therefore she hurt his feelings:
“Adeline why the hell would you fuck my brother when you knew I was in the room next door?! Believe it or not that actually hurt my feelings, having to listen to my brother moaning your name when that voice should bloody be me!”
I grew irritated with his words.
“No Harry it shouldn’t be my name you’re moaning it should be Melanie’s! I mean she is your girlfriend after all. And for your information, I didn’t know you were home and I didn’t fuck Jacob! You really want to know what happened? I almost threw up on his dick! Next time you try and confront me about my actions, maybe you should eavesdrop a little better!” I yelled.
First: Harry, go to hell.
Second: Adeline, you may have said one thing right, but that doesn’t mean you’re excused from doing stuff with your sister’s boyfriend because it was you who teased him and you didn’t even back down, so you were willing.
You are both idiots.
Two seconds later, Adeline’s ranting becomes useless, because she kisses him on the cheek as she gets out, but he grabs her again and they make out (AND SHE IS WILLING). And Harry puts his hand in her fanny.
Both of our soft lips were moving against each other’s slowly, Harry trying to pick up the pace by grazing his tongue on my lips but I teasingly denied access.
Shade Owl: – NUOO… hic… OOOOH! –
UAHQHQHSHHAJAJHJA. EVERY TIME I READ THIS SHIT IN A FIC I’M GONNA EXPLODE. AND WHAT DO YOU NEED, A PASS CODE?
My thoughts were focused on our kiss so much that I didn’t notice the hand Harry was creeping down to my core until he pressed firmly on my nub.
I gasped into the kiss, thus giving Harry the chance to stick his tongue in my mouth.
The reviewer heard a strange noise behind her, as if someone had blown a large amount of air out of their nose. She turned to find the tall man covering his mouth with one hand.
– Are you laughing? – she asked, rolling her eyes.
– No, no… Aha… Um! – Again, he tried to hide his laughter.
– Look, you can laugh, heh. We all know that stuff is ridiculous. –
The Devil sighed, finally calm. – I can’t lower myself to laugh at such ugliness, I have dignity. –
– In fact, you’re right. Come on, get some back by telling us the next cringe part that’s supposed to be hot. –
– Alright then. –
Suetiekh: – The tongues of the two begin to fight for dominance, as if they were animals, then the idiot pulls back and asks her if he can do a thing. She shakes her head but when he tells her to keep her mouth open with her tongue sticking out and her eyes closed, she allows it. Succulent plants have higher I.Q. than this girl here…
Not to be nice but I recommend you get yourself a bucket to throw up at this point. Are you ready?
Yes or no, let’s go on: the dumbass sticks her tongue out until it gets cold, then he starts sucking it like a Pudding Pop and she moans. –
Jigokuko [in a corner, swinging with her hands over her ears]: – EEEEEENOOOOUGH, THAT SUCKS. –
Suetiekh [shaking her with kicks]: – Come on, the scene is over. Continue. –
Jigokuko: – No, you can’t understand how much tongues make me sick, this scene traumatized me more than the explicit sex scenes. Thinking about I get goosebumps… –
Suetiekh: – If you don’t get up, I’ll make you live a tongue-related nightmare. –
Jigokuko [suddenly getting up]: – Okay, okay. –
The horrible scene is interrupted by Melanie, who appears at the door of the house and calls Harry, asking him what he’s doing there. “Luckily”, they weren’t seen because of the tinted windows (but then how did she know Harry was in the car?), so Adeline hops on the back and hides.
Harry lowers the window and kisses Melanie, telling her that she tastes like cherry. And Adeline remembers the terrible lollipop scene. I tried to forget it…
Oh, well, they talk about fluff and then she goes away.
“Just seeing if Adeline was alright with moving out of her room. If she doesn’t want to she doesn’t have to you know.” He said.
“Oh no sweetie don’t worry she’s out. Took a struggle but the little brat did it eventually. She’s so immature it bugs me.” She laughed.
Your boyfriend tells me how mature I am when I’m sucking his dick, bitch.
Sorry but this scene never happened. Off-screen stuff? Okay…
Anyway, Adeline is always polite when speaking. Delicate like a flower. After her sister leaves, she gets out too, he leans out the window and kisses her. Then the dumbass pulls down her dress and shows him her tits. Great.
He sat there dumbfounded, seeing as he hadn’t seen me naked before.
Technically no, he has never seen her naked. When did all this happen??? Not even when she was with Jacob he did see her, because we’re not told she undressed herself with him!
After this bullshit, the chapter ends.
Chapter 6. Come on, three to go. Ugh.
Harry had been sleeping in our house for a week, some nights I would go and sleep in his room completely innocently.
Sure. You’re less innocent than a serial killer caught red-handed while killing his prey.
Adeline feels lonely for one more night and goes to sneak into Harry’s bed, but he isn’t there and we switch to his POV. (Honourable mention, it’s spelled Harry’s pov, SO IT’S CORRECT, GUYS. STANDING OVATION.)
Here we find a useless scene where there are also Louis and Niall who all together snort coke, then some random horny blonde strippers arrive.
Jigokuko: – Sorry, but in theory strippers shouldn’t just perform, without having sex with clients? –
Shade Owl [making his best effort to be serious again]: – Actually some offer “extra services” for a fair fee… it’s illegal, but they do it anyway. –
Harry, however, is disgusted because one of them flirts with him and he cannot help but think of the minor-aged Hope.
A small pubescent girl was the only thing constantly on my mind. Men my age would be thinking about their jobs and going out to parties and getting laid, but here I was fantasising about a young girl.
I’ve already said it too many times, but call the police.
Shade Owl [giving up again to the effects of alcohol]: – Riiight… he’s a thruee geentlemaaan… hic … thinks oooonlyy abouth heeer Hopppe … hic… –
Finished this piece that was just for show dr**s and remind us the protagonist is underage, we move back to her POV. Adeline is in her room complaining that Harry is copulating with her sister for an hour.
I thought Harry only wanted me and I thought Melanie would never give up her virginity. My parents were out working late shifts and I guess they forgot I was here.
Hahaha.
Who am I kidding though?
What would Harry want with an immature teenager like myself?
I’m sure he could get any girl he pleased. One with big boobs, not like me who just grew out of their training bra. One with a gorgeous face, not like me who had the face of a twelve year old.
A woman much like my sister.
Hahahahahah.
“Oh Adeline!” I heard Harry moan.
My eyes widened as I leaped off my bed and ran to the wall, listening to the next words through the thin white wall.
“What did you just say?” Mel yelled.
“What the fuck?” Harry mumbled.
“Why on earth did you just moan my sisters name?”
“You look like her- fuck I don’t know it just-”
“Get out Harry.”
“Mel don’t-”
“Harry get out of my house!” Melanie suddenly yelled.
I heard some shuffling around and a few doors slam. I noticed the lighting under my door was misshaped by two feet. I sprinted back into my bed and pulled the covers over me in record time.
A second later the door swung open, lighting the room slightly with a yellow-tinged light. I noticed mel had opened the door, I could tell by the shadow of her thick straightened hair and ugly night dress showing on my wall.
Within a second the door was shut and I was left in pitch black again.
What the fuck just happened.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. HARRY, YOU’RE AN IDIOT.
Also, it’s great that Melanie had to be the “saint” of the story; it was said at least thirty thousand times how she wouldn’t lose her virginity and then at the first chance she does it with Harry. Not that there’s nothing wrong to do it with your better half, but the author could have spared us all that stuff at this point. AND YOU, ADELINE, DUMBASS, WHY ARE YOU DISAPPOINTED?
Shade Owl [lying on the table]: – Why is the shkyyyy bluuuee? Eeelephaantsh aaaare sssoooo biiigh… hic… –
Chapter 7. The next day, rightly, Melanie is angry with Adeline and the two have an argument, where Adeline proves once again she is a horrible person.
“I think you know Adeline, have you been doing my boyfriend? Are you that much of a slut to be going after the one thing I care about?” She asked angrily, only fuelling the fire to my hate.
“Well he had to come to me after you were too much of a prude to shed a little clothing”
“That’s not what he said when he was having sex with me last night” she smirked, but she basically asked for this.
“No, you’re right. He was screaming my name while having sex with you”
Her face went red and it looked as if steam would come out her ears any second now.
“Why do you have to screw everything up Adeline? Can’t you keep your damn legs shut for a week?”
I smirked, walking up right in my sisters face.
“Guess what big sis? You lost your virginity before me”
Let me know if you too wouldn’t like to slap her with a running chainsaw. Poor Melanie, she’s the only decent character in this story and then she’s also put in a bad light by the author, in favour of that pain in the ass of her little sister.
Shade Owl: – Lliiike aaaaall the female chaaaracters… hic… or stiiiiiill dechent one of a… hic… ugly fanfiction! Hic! –
Melanie goes to her room and someone rings the doorbell: obviously it’s Harry, who isn’t worried about her at all and takes Adeline away in his car. Go crash, please.
There is a time skip we don’t even know the duration of and the two end up watching a movie.
“I’m bored daddy” I whined, after our movie finished.
“Are you princess? Come lay down with me.” He warmly offered, opening his cuddly arms wide for me to crawl into.
I rested my cheek against his chest and I wrapped my legs around his body.
“Harry I like you” I mumbled absentmindedly.
“I like you too Adeline” he cooed.
“Please promise you won’t leave me” I whispered to him, almost as if I didn’t want him to hear me.
“I promise you Adeline”
I closed my eyes for what I hoped would be a moment, but my eyelids felt like they weighed a ton and I couldn’t seem to open them.
Harry’s smell was making me drousy, his warmth was making me sleepy.
So I drifted off to sleep.
You both make me sick. This would also be a nice scene, leaving aside that atrocious “daddy”, too bad she’s a minor along with a cocaine addict, in theory boyfriend and future husband of her sister.
And between these two there is not really any quantum of chemistry, only some questionable sexual attraction.
Adeline is increasingly inconsistent, but I have consistency and I continue to have the desire to slap her. And, awfully, a couple of chapters ago she had “defended” the relationship between Harry and Melanie, remembering she was her sisters’ boyfriend, not her own. But apparently the bedboy coolness clouds her already empty brain.
POV of Harry Styles: he takes Adeline home and meets Melanie, who is angry about the night before, rightly. But what happens next?
Harry acts like the disappointed one because, according to him, there was no reason to kick him out and she says it was a misunderstanding. FUCK, MELANIE YOU CAN’T FALL SO DOWN BELOW, YOU WERE THE ONLY CHARACTER THAT PREVENTED THE FIC TO BE A TOTAL SUCK.
Shade Owl: – Probablll… hi… probabllllly… hic … mayyybe she’s shooo inshecuuure that… hic… anyone who sssshows her a biiit of attenthion… hic… gets put on the pedesthal. Therrre are peopllle who ofthen… hic… wait to beee with beople… people… hic… truly ssslleazy partnersh like this incarnation of Harry… hic… becaussshe they’re afraid of bheing alone… hic… to the poooint of fhorgiving them iiiimmediately. Aaand thisssh could be Melanie’s condithiooon. Aaall thish meeakes me shad… hic… –
Well, they make up and she invites him to sleep there. At the end of the chapter, Harry delights us with this splendid sentence.
I honestly didn’t want to be with Melanie, I wanted Adeline.
But I would do what I could to be closer to her and I guess sleeping in the room beside her is good enough for me.
I have goosebumps.
Shade Owl [slumped against the wall, staring at a stain on the floor]: – Ashathoth … itsh’s youuu? –
Chapter 8. THE LAST ONE (in the Italian translation). Breathe in deeply, because this one is terrible too.
It’s morning and Adeline is making breakfast. Harry gets up, asking where everyone is. She replies that Melanie and her father are cleaning the church while her mother works. When they have finished eating, they both get ready to go and help out at church. Now prepare your holy water.
Shade Owl [holding a bottle of vodka]: – Shuure thing… Here it is! Hic … –
The father affectionately greets his daughter who begins to light the candles near the tabernacle. Jacob appears (do you remember him? Harry’s useless brother who is better than him…? Exactly), and he tells Adeline he wants to help her, so he has to clean the statue of Jesus. This scene was fucking pointless, anyway.
Jigokuko: – Suetiekh… –
Suetiekh: – What do you want? –
Jigokuko: – The cheap porn is about to start. –
Suetiekh: – And since it’s cheap, you can’t tell it, can you? –
Jigokuko: – NO! It’s your job, and you know how much I despise that stuff. –
Suetiekh: – If in the end you make me devour them, I’ll do it. –
Jigokuko: – Deal! –
Suetiekh: – Harry arrives speaking slowly, apparently horny. The ape appreciates her ass glimpsed under her skirt. –
Shade Owl: – Aaat church with a shkirt? Hic… shooo short he can sheee her… hic… ass? But… hic… noooo… –
Jigokuko: – Come on, you’re the daughter of the pastor and you don’t even have the decency to follow the Church dress code, going there in a miniskirt? And her father says nothing? Bah. –
Suetiekh: – Shut up, that is just a pretext to get him a boner. Anyway… –
The teenybopper asks him why he thinks she’s not wearing her panties, then he wants to guess their colour, so he takes her hand and brings her to the sacristy, then kneels in front of her. He lifts her skirt, starting to touch the panties with his finger.
“Hmm I can feel it’s lace, very thin” his hot breath was felt over me.
[…]
“I can feel your folds right through it darling”
“I can hear their moan / But now a long deep breath / Is calling”.
Sorry. The Heaviest Matter of the Universe aside, she inhales and moans as he teases her panties and even more, but they are interrupted by her sister who is looking for the troglodyte.
After using an excuse, the two continue the sacrilegious show.
“H-Harry oh my-”
“Daddy” he corrected, mumbling into me and sending erotic vibrations up my body.
“Yes daddy” I panted, making him groan sending shivers up me again.
He squeezed my ass one more time before I came on his mouth without warning.
“Of fuck that was so hot” Harry mumbled before licking up my wetness. He stood up and looked at me, I went to wipe his wet mouth but he flicked my hand away and immediately attached our lips.
He pulled away for a second and mumbled for me to ‘taste myself’ before connecting us again. He kissed me one last time before wiping his mouth.
“White” he said before smirking and stepping out of the booth.
Correct styles.
And that’s my cue. First of all because this shit is over, second, because at these levels of cringe I could die too and honestly I have something to accomplish first.
Jigokuko: – Thank you, honey. –
Luckily, the Italian translation of this filth ends here. So let’s make a nice final summary up to this point. This “story” is horrible in every way.
1. The plot does not exist, it is just an excuse for some pornographic scenes.
2. The writing style is quite low, even for non English-speakers like us.
3. The characters are one flatter than the other, including the protagonists.
Adeline is introduced as a #strongbitch, but in the end her being “strong” only makes her become obscene, rude and she seems to get on with everyone. The latter isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s literally always used as her strongest character trait, when instead it should only be a marginal detail. In other respects, she doesn’t show none of her strength, she never does any kind of resistance to Harry or in general she’s determined and so on. I hate her.
I believe that the idea of using the Hope archetype in this story is all wrong because it makes the plot uninteresting. Readers would have gotten a lot more horny if she had been a religious lamb initially. But this is just my opinion.
On the other hand, Harry doesn’t even have a hint of personality. All he does is:
- getting horny;
- harassing a sixteen-year-old;
- fucking;
- harassing a sixteen-year-old;
- snorting coke;
- harassing a sixteen-year-old;
- jerking off to a sixteen-year-old;
- harassing a sixteen-year-old.
That’s it. No backstory, no reasons why he takes drugs, how he met Melanie… nothing. This poor devil here is just a sex machine.
On the other hand, Jacob is the nice guy in this horrible story. As for the others, they all appeared twice and were useless; starting from the parents, to Melanie, to Adeline’s friends.
4. The religious theme does not exist. It could have been the pretext to make the plot more interesting and alternative but its only purpose is “Adeline is the shepherd’s daughter”, that’s enough. No mention of the religiosity of the parents or of the protagonist. It’s not known why she’s so transgressive and runs away from Masses… none at all.
5. The “relationship” between Adeline and Harry is all wrong.
- Harry would be Melanie’s boyfriend, but he cheats on her.
- A five-year age gap isn’t much between two adults, but it is between a sixteen-year-old girl and a twenty-one-year-old man. And I don’t care if in the USA (always if we are there, dunno…), technically she’s in the age for consensual sex, called the “age of consent” (not to be confused with the age of majority, which is eighteen in the US as well as in Italy), to me it’s pedophilia.
- There is no real feeling between the two; they’re just horny for each other.
- THE FACT HE GETS CALLED DADDY IS HORRIBLE.
6. The sex scenes are not erotic but it feels like reading real porn. I got sick from reading them, really; I’m not an easily impressionable person, but that stuff really disgusted me. I don’t know how efficient Wattpad is with reporting but the fic should be removed because it is against the rules.
Do you know how many readings this fic has? 369k. And that’s why I get pissed off! Why do such stories have so many views? It makes you angry even without looking at the content but just because of the horrible grammar that was used. There are authors who write masterpieces, they put their soul into them and yet no one is interested, in favor of “stories” about daddy!Harry Styles, badboy!Justin Bieber, with sensitive topics added and treated as cabbage, regardless wrong ideologies and terrible examples of love. We need to stop all this crap.
In summary:
- unnecessary references to religion;
- flat characters;
- bad writing;
- toxic relationships;
- non-existent plot.
Do not even give views to this horror. Just report it: it does not deserve them.
Shade Owl [dancing on the table]: – AAAAAAYYYYYYYY… MACARENA! Hic! –
We have finally reached the end of this ordeal! It’s not very long as my first review but it was tough nonetheless, because it involved re-reading the story almost in its entirety, I deserve some rest. However, I hope it has entertained you and you have enjoyed it, maybe we will meet again in the future.
Jigokuko
Two cold hands pounced on her shoulders, causing her to jerk. The young woman turned abruptly, making eye contact with the titanic figure appeared behind her.
– You promised me. – hissed the snake, bending quickly to the level of her face; his eyes half closed in two slits and his thin lips were tightened.
She smiled, grabbing his wrists but not moving him from there. – Right, your meal. –
But the devil slowly shook his head, never failing to make eye contact. Another pair of eyes with scarlet irises and black sclera opened under the main one, while on the forehead another one, ice blue, placed vertically, appeared on the forehead.
– There is another thing you owe me, much more important. –
– I can’t give it to you. –
– Of course you can, you created me, – he replied coldly.
The girl with curly hair released one of his wrists and grabbed his cheek with two fingers, pulling it lightly.
– I need to have power over you, so you can be my review partner! Sooner or later I’ll give you that thing… ~ –
After breaking free his wrists from the light grip, she toddled off, getting past him.
Once turned, the Omniscient continued to observe her from her sixth eye placed behind his neck, the icy iris constantly fixed on the female figure.
Demoni di EFP, Wattpad e molto altro! 