“Hazard Hall” (Fifty Shades of Hall)

[A little preamble: Evgenij was able to read this astonishing awful story in its Italian translation at the time when it was available on the Italian fanfiction website EFP (you may find the Italian version of this review here). 

However, the original version was in English, and, although now it is no longer possible to find it, we decided to translate its slating, thanks to the fundamental contribution of Spectrethief and JoSeBach. Also, due to the deletion of its original version in English, the fanfiction’s quotes won’t be literally accurate, as they have been translated back to English from the Italian version. Yet, they’re as directionally accurate as the original quotes are.]

I really wonder how Justin Bieber would have reacted upon reading this fanfiction: indeed, here he is being described as a violent criminal who sells drugs and is obsessed with the end of a corridor of a public school.

Maybe it may seem strange (or perhaps not, since here we are used to the paranormal nature of these fanfics by now), but what I wrote above is precisely the nutshell of this story: Justin Bieber sells drugs, is violent, sexist and beats to death whoever passes through a certain corridor (hence the title).

The fanfic begins with this model, Savannah Hall, (ah, like the title! Ohmygod!) who returns from Canada and talks to her friend Dana.

Following the publication of the Italian version of this review, a reader wrote to me that there is actually a model called Savannah Hall, the physical characteristics of which seem to match the meager description of our protagonist. I did not notice this detail at first because I deliberately ignored the photos inserted in the fic to show the appearance of the characters.

Anyway, after a series of useless chatter, typical of the stereotypical American high school (stay away from the captain sport teams, the cheerleaders team leaders are “turd whores”…), the title is explained immediately.

Apparently in the school there is a hall that one cannot cross to the end because there is this guy who is a criminal, drug dealer, alcohol trafficker, former prisoner and almost murderer who beats to blood anyone who passes by. Ah, yes, he is also handsome and manwhore. 

“”There’s one end of the hallway you can’t go to.”

“Which one?”

“Well, it’s the corridor on the right at the end of the school, but we call it Hazard Hall.”

“What the hell?” I laughed. “It’s such a stupid thing! If I want to continue along that corridor, I will continue along that corridor.” 

“No, you won’t, unless you want to be killed.”

“Killed?”

“Well, yes… There’s this guy, basically it’s as if that’s his corner of the school. It’s not really popular, but he’s hot. Rumors are circulating that he is part of a gang, but I don’t know much about that. I’m sure he is a real drug dealer and an alcohol trafficker. However, he has been in prison several times for having almost killed someone. He’s terribly scary. He’s always in his little corner of the hallway during school hours, when he skips classes.”

Dana took a deep breath before continuing her explanation.

“His mother is forcing him to finish high school and I just hope he can’t say no to his mother. He’s been held back, so I’m pretty sure he’s 19 years old. His name is Justin and he is able to throw shit on every guy who tries to cross that corridor. Nobody knows why, surely there is an explanation for this. Some simply think he’s crazy. Even though he’s quiet and scary, he’s a big manwhore  and fucks with pretty much any walking thing, but he’s never really had a relationship.””

Now, when starting to read this story, I believed that we were in the real world, in an alternate reality where Bieber is not a singer but a criminal, and yet still in our world, and that therefore this would be a plausible story. Instead here there is already the first big absurdity: everyone knows that there is this guy that beats whoever passes through the final stretch of a certain corridor of a public school and no one does anything??? But are we kidding???

This is set in Canada, not in some country without law and order! If even a single student were beaten by this subject, the student’s family would immediately call the police, Bieber would be indicted and perhaps even expelled from the school (which would certainly happen if he continued to behave like this). But what the hell is it? Is Bieber a kind of godfather who keeps the principal and all the police in check?? But come on, this is not only far-fetched, it is also inconsistent with the plot itself. In fact, it will be clearly seen that Bieber is a small fish, since there is a criminal much more important than him who threatens him and beats him for money. 

This one here is just a thug who beats and terrorizes schoolmates for no precise reason and sells drugs and alcohol in his spare time! It would be more than enough to call the police once, they would arrest him and, if they could not put him in prison, they would check him on sight. In fact, wait, he’s already been in prison! Shouldn’t he be, I don’t know, under the control of social services or something like that?

We are halfway through the first chapter and the likelihood of this story has already said goodbye to me by throwing itself out of the window. It was nice that it kept me company for these three minutes.

Another thing, it is said that Justin is a manwhore, but he does not talk to anyone: how does he do it? No seriously, even to go to whores you will have to say a few words, but apparently here they are referring to his female schoolmates. Does it mean that the girls go to him and beg him to have sex, he takes them to a closet and consume the act? In fact, yes (little spoiler). 

Ok, let’s see if I got this right: this is a psychopathic criminal with a morbid obsession with the final stretch of a corridor, and the girls can’t wait to be deflowered by him? But maybe it’s the whole school that is made by people with serious problems, not just him! 

Let’s be clear: if Bieber were just the cool guy he is, maybe a little more asshole, I wouldn’t have much to say about consistency (even though the stereotype would still be horrible), but this is a criminal!! Aren’t the other students frightened? Savannah’s friend certainly looks scared. But no, Bieber also manages to be the sex symbol of the school, despite not talking with anybody and rather spending his time performing shady and violent actions. 

In addition to this, males and females experience the same sexual impulses, too bad that in the sexist stereotype a man who has many intercourses with many women is cool, instead a woman who does it with many men is a bitch. And don’t come and tell me that here Bieber is described as a negative character: thank you very much, he is a criminal, but, despite this, he is still idolized by girls who want him and is feared and respected by boys. Try to put a female character in his place and see what happens: nice shitty sexist stereotype, seriously!

So we are starting really with the wrong foot here, Bieber’s character is completely far-fetched and bearer of deleterious messages and stereotypes. This definitely compromises the whole plot, since it is based on him (and on Savannah, whose role is to be mistreated and seduced, but I’ll get there).

In fact, our Savannah responds to her friend that she thinks she has to feel bad for this guy, because maybe he has problems.

“I should feel bad for this guy, because he seems to have problems.” 

Now, if this were a normal school bully, I could even remotely understand this reaction: it would still be the stereotype of the candy striper naive girl who has to save the bad boy, but it would be acceptable (it would bother me anyway, but it would not be absurd). 

However, in this story Justin is described as a psychopathic criminal who once almost killed someone!! What the hell!

As you can see, from the beginning of the first chapter the reader is overwhelmed by all these stereotypes and nonsense, but let’s strengthen ourselves and move on.

The next day the protagonist goes to school (going through useless and monotonous descriptions of how she is dressed), she lets us know that she hates mathematics (math is hard! What is it, now we also encourage idiot stereotypes according to which beautiful girls do not understand mathematics??) and she meets a guy who will then be important for the ‘plot’, named Decklon, who looks like a good guy and wants to be friends with her (or something more but, heck, she is a model, it seems to me that it is understandable that someone tries to flirt a little with her). They exchange phone numbers, she goes out to science class and, with a plot twist that I just did not expect, something absolutely not obvious and trivial happens.

….

 she ends up at the end of the forbidden corridor! 

“I noticed the two boys headbutting each other. I took a deep breath, looking around. Something was off, it was different. That didn’t seem to be an ordinary corridor.

As soon as I felt an arm stop me, I knew where I was.

Hazard Hall.” (Roll credits!) 

By the way, this forbidden corridor business reminds me a bit of The Beauty and the Beast, also because of the fact that Savannah says that this corridor is different, somewhat off (the lights must’ve gone out, mah!), but between the two stories to this point the fairy tale is much more realistic. Or even the first Harry Potter book, but I’m afraid I’ll have to wait in vain for Fluffy to behead Savannah with a bite.

In addition, who the hell are those two guys who are head-butting each other? Two toxic people keeping Justin company? Or, as Mushu says, do they greet each other like real men, only with heads instead of fists?

Ehehe… it is never explained!

We are only at the end of the first chapter and I’m already at page four of the review! 

Luckily the story is very repetitive and contains a massive amount of unnecessary scenes, or else I would finish it next year.

Going on with the reading, here we are at the first highlight of the story: the two main characters get to know each other. 

“”Please let me go,” I grumbled, unable to meet the eyes of the boy who was tightly clutching my arm.

“Who sent you here?” he asked in his hoarse and deep voice.

“N-nobody” I answered honestly.

[…]

“I have to go to class, Justin,” I replied suddenly, knowing I was so late to class.

How do you know my fucking name?” he spat, throwing me against a chair.

 […] 

For a split second I looked into his eyes and noticed that he was really hot. His jaw was contracted, he had perfect skin, his face had no blemishes, and his body was breathtaking.

“Stop staring at me,” Justin growled. “Why didn’t you listen to your little friend?”

“Would you stop being so mean?” I asked, annoyed.

“Listen, bitch!” Justin grabbed my arm, bringing his face closer to mine. “Either you listen to me or I won’t hesitate to hurt you.” Justin’s dark eyes met mine.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” I said almost in a whisper, afraid to speak.

“Now, why did you decide to come here, when your friend had clearly told you not to?”

“I-I’m new here and I had to go to the science classroom. It’s downstairs, right next to this hallway… I was just trying to get to the classroom. I didn’t realize where I was until I saw you.”

“Good. Go to your next lesson and don’t get close again, fuck.”

“Stop talking to me like this.” I rolled my eyes, extremely fed up.

“What the fuck did I tell you?” Justin grabbed my bare arm.

“I know what you told me,” I spat as I got up. “First of all, I’m new here, I didn’t know where the fuck I was going. Second, a nice thing would have been to take me around a bit, and thi…

“I know who you are, Savannah.” Justin barely whispered, pushing me against the door. “I know your life is based fundamentally on your modeling career. An unexpected event and your career is over. Be careful how you talk to me.” Justin’s voice remained calm as he pushed me out of the room.

Such meaningful and heartfelt dialogues made me think of the writing style of E. L. James. 

It should be noted that Savannah is not frightened by this guy who has been described to her as a dangerous psychopath, but rather finds him ‘hot’.

I would like to say something more about the fact that to me the presence of this violent bully who dominates a part of the school seems completely absurd, but it would all be in vain.

Then, for unknown reasons, he lets her go with no beating (oooh, what a suspense), she meets her friend Dana, and manages to summarize to her the whole situation. We’ve just read it, but thank you anyway… Wait, isn’t Savannah (this name reminds me of the African savannah) supposed to go to class? Whatever. 

We also get to know that it’s really odd for Justin to not have beaten the protagonist at all, I wonder why? Because she’s a superhot girl or it’s simply the plot armor? That’s hard to tell…

“”Well, I’m a girl, he won’t hurt me, right?”

“Being a girl never stopped him before, Sav.” 

“Did he hit a girl before?”

“Yes,” Dana replied without hesitation.

“What an asshole!” I cursed at him as the bell rang.

Now she calls him an asshole, but by the tenth chapter she will love him madly, even if he will actually do everything to make this judgment correct (that is, he will behave like a violent asshole chauvinist, to say it clearly).

By the way, we learned that Justin also beats women! Very well indeed! 

Let’s try to imagine what this story would have been like if, instead of Savannah, there had been another girl who was going to be beaten up. Justin would have assaulted her for the sole reason of having caught her in “his” corridor, she would have cried and begged to let her go, he would have beaten her badly, ignoring every wail, and after it all she would have gone away groaning and in pain. A beautiful uplifting story, isn’t it? Some things need to be focused on to understand how much they suck.

“Sonja took the wrong turn that morning, and ended up in the dark corridor where two boys were head-butting each other. She spent only a moment thinking about how many serious concussions those two were getting and causing for who knows what reason. A strong hand grabbed her by the arm and dragged her into a dark room.

-What are you doing here, don’t you know this is my corridor?- said Justin menacingly, ]looking at her grimly.

-Please Justin, don’t hurt me, I didn’t mean to get here, I was in a hurry and… – she begged with tears in her eyes. 

-Yes, I terrify you, but I’m also cool, right? Say you like me!- he exclaimed arrogantly. Sonja shook her head violently: she would never, ever find the bully who was attacking her attractive.

-You don’t know what you’re missing out, idiot! And now you will pay for it, because no one passes through our hall, our preciousss hall!- Hissed Justin with a glimpse of madness in his eyes. He raised his hand to strike, but was stopped by a voice.

-Hey you, get your damn hands off her!- shouted Evgenij as he ran into the room. Justin turned to look at him.

-Do you dare to stand against me? Don’t you know that I am the coolest, strongest, cruelest and most violent bully in school, as well as a drug and alcohol dealer and occupant of this corridor in my spare time?? You will pay dearly for your recklessness!- exclaimed Bieber letting go of Sonja and raising his fists towards Evgenji, who, despite being much taller than him, was nevertheless thin and not very athletic. However, the newcomer could not and didn’t want to leave Sonja at the mercy of that crazy psychopath.

Justin charged a left hook that Evgenji dodged throwing himself to the side. He tried to fight back, but Bieber was quicker and hit him with a kick in the stomach, throwing him to the ground.

-You’re done for!-Justin threatened him with a fist.

-No!! – shouted Sonja grabbing the blond boy by the arm. Justin gave a tug and easily got rid of her.

-You’ll both pay for daring to defy my strength and my coolness!- he cried out, preparing to hit the boy still on the ground.

-Stop, everyone!- called a voice.

Everyone turned around and saw a boy at the entrance to the classroom.

-And who the fuck are you?- asked Justin.

-I am fanwriter91 and I have come this far to punish you on behalf of the Mo… um, I mean… – Justin went to him and stood above him, as the newcomer was neither tall nor massive.

-How do you think you’re going to stop me?- asked Justin with bravado.

-Oh, I won’t, but they will!-‘ fanwriter91 explained pointing at the two police agents behind him. -I did a research on you and found out that you are wanted all over the city, so I contacted the police. Easy, isn’t it?-

-And to think that we looked for him all over the city, and instead we just had to search him in the highschool where he was enrolled! Who could’ve ever thought that!- exclaimed one of the two policemen as he put the handcuffs on a stunned Justin.

Evgenij rose from the floor and helped Sonja.

-Thank you for saving me!- she said with emotion.

-It was nothing…- replied the boy blushing slightly. -You also have to thank fanwriter91 who ran to call the police while I distracted Justin from you.- Then he turned to his friend:- You arrived just in time!-

-Eh, unfortunately the commissioner doesn’t run very quickly, luckily we decided to leave him behind.- fanwriter91 explained. Right after that, in fact, in front of the entrance of the school they were joined by a panting Commissioner Winchester (the one from the Simpsons).

-Hey, guys… bravos, you took him … – he leaned on a car to catch his breath. – Oh my gosh, it was really a difficult case: we had many blows and testimonies of his crimes, but who could’ve ever thought that arresting him was enough to close the case?? -”

Ok… if I start getting lost with this type of digressions again this review will really be longer than the story itself… Excuse me, but my friend fanwriter91 and I could not resist the temptation to intervene.

So, now Savannah goes to hygiene class (wasn’t it science? And what the hell would be hygiene?? It must be an American thing, in Italy we do not have any such class), which is in fact sex education, and we come to discover that Canada has become a protectorate of the Vatican.

“”Ok, guys! I want you to work in pairs with anyone sitting next to you and write a paragraph on why you should preserve sex until marriage. If you have any problems, look at your textbook for the answer,” the teacher said with a smile.

Ok, I’m kidding, objectively there are stupid and bigoted professors in Canada like in Italy and in the rest of the world. But this one here is disturbing: an Umbridge-like teacher (the answer is in the book…) working for some fundamentalist Church! What kind of assignment is this?? If it is a lesson in sex education, shouldn’t it talk about the meaning of sexual intercourse for a couple of a person from a scientific and emotional point of view, deal with the topic of contraceptive use and venereal diseases, as well as discuss the importance of respect for oneself and one’s partner?

Of course not! Muahahah, what rubbish I’m reading!

But even if we want to leave out the idiocy and senselessness of this task, now comes the fun part: Justin shows up in class and the professor treats him like a friend who makes a courtesy visit, she is not scandalized at all. 

“”Oh, Justin, it’s really nice of you to show yourself.” smiled Miss Williams as Justin walked into the classroom.”

Maybe they’re all rumors and he’s actually just a more violent bully than average? No, in the following scenes you will see very well that he is a criminal and that his violent acts reach absolutely unacceptable levels! 

However, after a chilling description of how ‘hot’ Justin is, we have definitive proof that the teacher is bonkers, like too many other similar teachers, unfortunately: she makes the newcomer work in pairs with the school bully who never does anything and who will do nothing, except slow down the rest of the class. But this is not a flaw of history, there are just stupid professors.

So, the two are paired together: incredible, who would have expected it???

Justin, of course, ignores Savannah and does not want to do anything, she insistently asks him to cooperate and he, with the same arrogance that really urges me to slap him with a gauntlet, writes this:

“I think this is a trick question. You should fuck with anyone you want wherever you want when one is young. Make her scream and beg for more. The younger she is, the better. Sex must not be preserved for marriage.”

Obviously Savannah is scandalized (poor goody two-shoes), but she does not have time to write something else because time is up. Really? In an hour they exchanged two lines of dialog and he wrote these three lines of rubbish? In my opinion, a maximum of ten minutes have passed, but whatever…

The professor reads (at lightspeed, moreover) the text and punishes them both. Now, in the meantime, I reiterate my contempt for this teacher who punishes those who do not think exactly like her, but I also emphasize her idiocy again: Justin, a well-known bully and slacker, tells her that he wrote that couple of lines and she also punishes the newcomer??? But holy heavens, you will know how Justin behaves, won’t you, professoress???

Maybe though we’re missing the real problem: Justin writes this paragraph and, keeping aside his rude and sexist arrogant manners (‘make her scream’… I’m gonna throw up…), he poses against virginity imposition, and in the end he takes the role of the anti-conventional rebel.

I want to remind you how in this story Bieber is a criminal: such a right concept as is sexual liberty here is stated by a society-wise unacceptable individual. For me it’s far more dire that Justin, the violent criminal bully, takes the role of the ‘rebel guy’, the part of those who are for ‘sexual liberties’. Basically he says (in a really vulgar and sexist way) that the prompt given by the teacher is an idiocy (if somebody agrees with it, good for them, but it’s not an objective matter, hence such a way of thinking is not gospel!), so the reader would say Bieber is right: and this is bad!

It’s as if such a correct message is linked with this horrible character, taunting the message altogether.

I’ll explain myself. The sexual idea behind these fanfictions (and other books like Fifty Shades) is utterly concervative, despite many times the work looks rather aiming for transgression.

In fact, from the narration it’s clear as day that the most reasonably right character is the female protagonist who is pure, she stays with just one man (the bad boy) and endure any of his perversions (which is the whole plot in Fifty Shades, basically). Then her love causes him a change of heart and they start a traditional relationship.

In a similar context, the bad boy has a lot more freedom, but, despite this would make him appealing to the female protagonist’s eyes, the narration tells us that’s also his flaw, that it must be correct in order to get a good ending. Obviously, this same sexual liberty of his is coherent with the typical sexism present in these stories: he, being a man, can have more relationships, while she cannot; he always starts the sexual intercourses and at times goes over her bondaries and limits, even against her own will, and so on.

However, keeping aside this nauseating sexism, his sexual liberty must not be seen as his flaw. The problem is how it’s put into action.

However, here in this section it seems to me that the author actually wants to do that, to associate the sole protesting voice against the teacher’s bigotry to such a despicable character as is Bieber.

It turns out that either these statements are just as wrong as Justin, or that the only one who has the courage to carry them out must be a psychopathic criminal. But aren’t there normal people in this world?

Really, I imagine how a normal guy could feel to spend the day in this high school!

“First class: mathematics. 

‘Ah, my favorite subject,’ thought Evgenij as he prepared the notebook. Then he saw a very beautiful girl arrive late. 

‘She must be that new model who was said to come to school…’ 

The girl sat next to Decklon and the two began to talk in a low voice.

‘And Decklon is already flirting with her… Sometimes I would like to be a bit like him, to have a little more courage in that matter…’ Evgenij sighed as he looked at Sonja as she solved an exercise on the blackboard.

Second class: hygiene.

‘Goodness, another lesson with this shitty bigotry…’ the boy mentally complained, raising his eyes to the sky. Then he saw the newcomer and Bieber enter the classroom shortly after one another.

 ‘Oh, no, there’s also that violent asshole Bieber… and that idiotic teacher treats him as if he were an acquaintance to chit chat with!’ At that moment the teacher read the essay’s prompt. Evgenij had to restrain himself from bursting out laughing. 

‘Ok, that’s just too much,’ he thought and, taking a piece of paper, he wrote:

“It makes no sense never to make love before marriage. The sexual act is an important component of love, and those who would like to ban or limit it are only religious moralists who carry out irrational theories that make people unhappy.

Anyway, this is a public school in a secular state, and I am an atheist: aren’t we supposed to talk about sex education in this class hour, instead of copying from a book while you read a romantic novel hidden behind the newspaper? Yes, I saw it.

In any case, for me marriage has no divine value, it is just a promise that two people who love each other exchange. And if love is there and it is sincere, why deny the pleasure of the deepest and uttermost intimacy?’

Then he noticed that Sonja was sitting next to him and was reading what he had written.

-Do you really think that, Evgenij?- she asked him seriously.

-Ehm, yes… Excuse me if I didn’t ask you anything before writing, I was sitting alone and I got angry to hear the prompt… – murmured Evgenij embarrassed.

-I was alone too.- Sonja replied, smiling. -And I think you’re right.-

-Thanks…- Evgenij stuttered again. –But maybe we should change it, I don’t want you to get punished too…-

-Well, maybe with you it wouldn’t be bad… that is, I mean… Uh… do as you think…- murmured Sonja blushing.”

I have to stop projecting myself in the story! (Note: this scene doesn’t come after the previous one, if anything before, the previous one happened on a day after Savannah’s arrival – maybe after Bieber dumped her.) 

After the end of the hygiene class, Savannah and Justin squabble, he blames her and leaves. Savannah has the same combativeness of a barbie’s, so far. And in the following chapters it does not get better.

Outside of school she meets Decklon who accompanies her home, and he too is surprised that Bieber has spoken to her: oh, yes, how strange … What a mysterious mystery, right!

In any case, I must say that so far my favorite character is Decklon: maybe he is a bit too much flirtatious, but he is not a psychopath and treats Savannah with kindness.

Savannah returns home, there is a useless dialogue with her parents in which she mentions Decklon (and her father gets worried, I don’t know what to say anymore…), but not the violent bully who openly threatened her and made her get a detention. It seems to me the most logical thing!

After dinner, her friend Dana comes to visit her and there is another summary of what has just happened during the hygiene class: but what is this, a bad TV drama with the summary of the previous episodes?

Dana is amazed that Justin has still spoken to Savannah, because, apparently, he only talks to his mother, Ryan and Chaz: and who the hell are they? Two henchmen, one of the two will be useful later. I think they are the ones who were beating themselves in the head in the corridor scene, but it’s not clear…

In any case, Justin never talks to girls: oh, poor puppy, huh? No, for me he is more and more psychopathic!

“”But you said he has sex at any time of the day.”

“Well, yes… Girls talk to him and basically ask to have sex with him. Justin takes them to a closet or somewhere alike and fucks with them only. He doesn’t talk to them because they are the ones who ask him. About two years ago Justin had a girlfriend, I’m pretty sure of that. She got him arrested for drug possession. I don’t know why she did it but since then Justin has changed and now he doesn’t talk to girls anymore. Well, except to you.””

Sexual intercourse in a storage closet?! The girls go to him to beg him to be deflowered??? But what is this, the man with the golden knob???

No, seriously, this is abominable idiocy! According to the author of this story, it is likely that girls beg to have sex with a violent and somewhat psychopathic bully who is said to be a criminal! But what planet do these people live on?!? 

I guess the same as Christian Grey at this point, although, and I would’ve never thought to ever write it, Grey is better than Justin! They are both violent and psychotic, but the former is rich, not criminal and can afford luxurious apartments where to bring in his conquests; the latter is a jerk, vulgar delinquent, who lives with his mother and the maximum he offers apparently is a closet!! I feel bad for saying that Christian Grey is better than something (anyway I didn’t say it’s better than shit, let’s be clear).

Among other things, we notice how once again no one does anything: there are people who get fucked in broad daylight in a highschool, everyone knows it and no one intervenes. Those in charge of the school should be taken to trial.

We must also assume that Justin has with him a supply of condoms of excellent quality, so as not to impregnate a few hundred nymphomaniacs. But then, venereal diseases? Hygiene, since we are on the subject? 

Although both me and fanwriter91 still have not understood the connection between hygiene and sex: however, if the idea of the professoress was not to have sex so as not to risk diseases, it seems to me as intelligent as never sunbathing for fear of tanning tumors.

In any case, it is mentioned that Justin’s ex framed him and since then he no longer trusts anybody (boo boo, poor puppy!!). Random dramas, trite and trite.

Also, let’s sum it up: these guys will be between seventeen and twenty years old, let’s say, so the story with the girl dates back to when Justin was between fifteen and eighteen: and was he already entangled in a drug ring? And I thought Canada was a tranquil country!

Or maybe it didn’t go quite like that, maybe the girl realized that he was already a psychopathic drug dealer and simply denounced him to get rid of him … fanwriter91 would like to ask for a prequel, but I just want to go ahead with this review.

Then Sav-savannah says he also wants to discover the mysterious mystery of the mysterious corridor.

“”I won’t. For some strange reason, I’m interested in him.”

“Don’t get involved, Sav! It’s dangerous, it’s not your type and it’s not good for your lifestyle.””

Look, let’s not beat around the bush: he interests you because he’s cool, fine. Get fucked in a filthy closet so you can give in to your desire. Ah, no, excuse me, you are the protagonist; therefore, you will have to be courted appropriately, make him fall in love seriously and take him to the altar… 

Her friend finally says something sensible, but of course it will be ignored.

The next day the protagonist meets the captain of the insert-random-sport’s team, with his jealous girlfriend (American school comedy cliché), and then Justin arrives, who grabs Savannah like a caveman, which he is, and drags her in a storage closet. Hey, don’t start having dirty thoughts!

No, he just wants to force her to ask the bigoted and stupid teacher to cancel their punishment. All while bombarding her with insults, threatening to hurt her physically and basically claiming that Savannah is to blame for everything.

During all this, the girl feels the chills for Bieber’s beauty… I feel bad… It would have given a better message if it had been for a justified fear, let’s say, eh! 

Savannah, as a good obedient dog, obeys: she rewrites the task, gives it to the teacher, explains everything to her and the teacher gives her “a second chance”. WTF???

So, let’s see if I understood: the teacher punishes the protagonist without batting an eye, forces her to do the task but says nothing about Justin’s absence, the girl explains (what, in fact? That he didn’t want to come? That he threatened her to do the job by herself and asked to cancel his punishment?) and it all ends there. In short, we punish the innocent and let go of the guilty, so much so that the latter knows how to react. 

Of course, unlike Savannah, I would have pointed out to the teacher that it is not normal that there is this bully who always skips classes, causes trouble to others and is never punished or at least recalled. But on the other hand my dialogue with the teacher perhaps would have been a tad different…

” –Evgenij  Krukovsky, your essay is completely unacceptable and offensive! I’m thinking of calling the principal!- hissed the angry teacher.

-Okay, do it, go ahead.- replied Evgenij quietly. -So our principal will have the opportunity to know that you, instead of giving us real information on sex education, fob us off with bigoted and scientifically unfounded prejudices that are even absent from the program approved by the Canadian Ministry of Education. It would also be appropriate to point out to the principal how she never punishes Bieber or even marks on the register all his absences. Who knows, it might be interesting to find out the reasons for this favoritism…-

The teacher turned pale as soon as she heard the part about Bieber, and she could not hide a certain tremor. -I don’t know what you’re talking about… – she replied with a broken voice, .But, you see…I was just saying that… this essay you wrote… here… that’s not quite what I asked… B minus, and we won’t talk about this anymore?-“

Ah, so satisfying!

Anyway, Savannah’s parents leave her at home alone for dinner. She tries to invite her friend Dana, but she does not answer the phone; so she calls Decklon instead. 

He arrives, is kind and prepares dinner for her (she doesn’t even know how to fry some cheese…). They talk a little, then, while he is in another room, Savannah receives this message:

“From: Unknown

Make Decklon go away. Right now. You have five minutes before I do.

The protagonist is frightened: she is right, she has just received some kind of threat from a stranger! What is the most obvious thing to do? Talk to Decklon about it, make sure the doors are tightly closed, and maybe get ready to call the police?

Of course not! She obeys!!!

She sends Decklon away immediately with an idiotic excuse; and he doesn’t protest either, what a good guy. 

Soon after, Justin enters her house and, with his well-known kindness, asks her for help.

At this point it is now clear that Savannah has the personality of an inflatable doll, no offense to the inflatable dolls. 

But who would behave like this??? She receives a message from an unknown number that essentially demands that she stood alone at home, and she obeys??? But what if the intruder had been a malicious criminal?? 

Well, in fact he is one…

In this regard, how did Justin get Savannah’s phone number? Ahaha, you’ll see how it is going to be explained!

However, I would like to point out that even in the subsequent chapters Savannah never stands for herself (except only once): Justin orders her something or he’ll make her suffer for it and she submissively obeys.

But really, I turn to the author and her readers: as women, would you like to be bossed around like this? Come on!

Back to the ‘story’, Justin enters Savannah’s house (break-in, great!), orders her to wash his shirt (because that’s what women have to do, right? But holy crap, did a girl really write this stuff?), he insults her repeatedly and then asks her to give him one thousand dollars cash in hand! A thousand fucking dollars! 

A thousand fucking dollars, ‘cause I’m fucking Justin and you’re a fucking submissive idiot!

But what the hell, anyone in Savannah’s shoes would call the police as soon as Justin left the house. But what does she do? But of course she obeys like a little dog!

Ah, but I already know that you will be wondering how Justin got hurt and why he needs so much money with such urgency. And also, why not, why he asks Savannah of all people for it. Well, here we are finally at the first (and only, at least in the Italian translation) scene in which part of Justin’s criminal activity is shown.

Apparently, he sold drugs to a guy who couldn’t pay for it, and so now it’s in debt of one thousand dollars. Now, I am not familiar with the subject, but my modest knowledge suggests to me that the drug payment is not deferred in time, but rather everything happens right in the moment of the purchase. 

As if to say, the guy shows up, he doesn’t have enough money, Justin beats him to blood for good measure and it’s over there. Justin still has the drug and will sell it to someone else. Or he will sell him a part in the meantime, after beating him up in any case. This would happen in the real world.

Why the hell do you give away the drug on credit, Justin??? What kind of drug dealer are you???

And we are at first nonsense.

Then it turns out that Bieber and his henchmen sell the drug (which drug? Ahaha, come on, it doesn’t have a name, it’s drug!!) on behalf of a guy they call ‘The Boss’.

“He didn’t trust anyone, that’s why we didn’t know his name. All we knew was that he was involved in the drug trade for economic reasons, just like me.”

After this very original characterization, here he is in action: he makes an angry outburst to Justin and beats him for the missing money, threatening him with death.

Perhaps it is not clear: this ‘The Boss’ threatens and beats Bieber in person and, the next day, goes to get the money still in person. It doesn’t seem like the attitude of a big guy, a real high-level mafia boss would send some of his henchmen to deal with this street dealer Justin. All this leads us to conclude that Justin and his cronies are a third wheel in this so-called criminal association.

Anyway, this guy stabs Justin a bit on the side and then punctures Justin’s car’s tyres: but why??? 

I understand that he is the bad guy and all that jazz, but he wants to get back that thousand dollars: killing Justin or not may not matter to him, but he wants, rightly I would say, his money back! If he punctures his tires, how can he hope Justin makes it?

No problem! Tons of plot holes come to his rescue. 

I knew I was close to the school and I also knew that the newcomer lived near where I was.

How did I know where Savannah lived? Well, simple. I always investigate every newcomer.”

Is he really that good? The secret services should hire him, golly!

“I took my cell phone and sent her a message, telling her to send him away.

How did I get the Savannah number? Well, I suppose I’m good at these things.

I wasn’t surprised that Savannah actually sent that guy away.”

And that means: I won’t tell you at all how I got Savannah’s number, and it’s clear as day to me that she is completely submissive and unable to react like a mat. Perfect… 

After a revolting scene, in which Justin essentially suggests that he could reward Savannah with a good fuck in exchange of her help, she agrees as a good dog and he leaves. She also wonders why she said yes: because you’re a jerk, Savannah! 

Okay, I want to be honest: in such a situation, only a brave girl would openly resist. After all, a criminal has just entered her house, she is alone and it is night (of course, it would have been enough not to send Decklon away without a reason …).But any girl with the minimum amount of self-preservation would have waited for Justin to leave to rush to call her mother and father, the police, ask for help, so that the next morning, as soon as Justin had made himself alive, he would have found a worthy welcome and handcuffs!

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about it now, why doesn’t Justin do the gigolo for a living? Apparently, women queue up to have sex with him, if he made himself pay he would no longer need to sell drugs, and he would become rich in no time, according to the sick logic of this fic. But of course being a gigolo would be humiliating for the great Bieber, so let’s forget about it…

The next morning, after a series of useless descriptions of these two jerks’ outfits, Savannah finally gets into the car and they squabble. 

Wait, wait! Justin is using his own car! Didn’t he have flat tires?

“Somehow, the previous night, with a couple of calls, I managed to get the wheels fixed and the car had been brought back home. It’s good to have many acquaintances all over Canada.”

Ah, of course, now everything makes sense, doesn’t it?

I’m sarcastic of course: what the hell does that mean???

Justin has so many contacts and so much influence that he can ask somebody unknown to fix his tires and take home the car overnight, but he is still a drug dealer who must stay under the orders of that guy called “The Boss” ??? 

By now I am convinced that the author has never seen a single film about organized crime: Justin goes from being the last wheel of the cart to having powers similar to a godfather depending on what the plot requires. Come on, let’s go back to the story…

The scene of the car seems to me completely grotesque, given the aforementioned nonsense, but we are not done yet. Meanwhile, she dressed up as if she was going to a fashion show (and Justin ‘notices’ it…), and then apparently Justin can’t get into the bank with her.

“Don’t you come with me?” asked Savannah.

“I have a criminal record and they would definitely call the police if they saw me with someone like you.”

Breathe in, breathe out, calm down, keep it in, keep it in… 

No, that’s too much! This is utter bullshit!

They would call the police just to see him enter the bank, but no one dreams of arresting him when he is at school beating people passing through a corridor??? If they think he is dangerous enough to force someone to give him money (it’s called extortion, by the way), why don’t they just arrest him on sight??? Anywhere, not only inside the bank!!!

Even accepting this, here is the second bullshit. Justin sends Savannah by herself, but keeps her cell phone, so as to prevent some set-up. Ok… Because Savannah would never tell the cashier something like -Help, that guy in the car wants to force me to give him money, and he’s also a criminal, please call the security!! -, for example??? Really, why doesn’t she do it???

Because she wants to fuck him, or rather, the author wants her to. Really, this story is a cheap romantic story, there is nothing to do against this nonsense. 

Or maybe I’m wrong, maybe here the police can really arrest Justin only if he goes to a bank… 

By the way, what hecking city is the story set in?? They never say it, it is only stated over and over again that we are in Canada! Ach, what a suffering!

She brings him the money, he offends her like the asshole he is, then leaves her in his house with his mother and goes down to give the money to the boss who, from this point on, will disappear from the story! At least, there was not even a brief mention of this dark character in all the remaining chapters translated into Italian. 

In addition, Justin’s mother is also described as an idiot: all cheerful and ditzy (“Oh, honey, do you have a girlfriend? It’s beautiful! She could be a model!“), but how the hell doesn’t she know that her son is a violent bully? I mean, he could’ve managed to hide from her that he is a criminal (he must also hide from the police, so that’s fair enough), but the principal must’ve communicated to his mother about Justin’s behaviour. Then again, as I said above, if this story were set in a world similar to the real one, Justin would have been expelled long ago. 

While they are back in the car together, Savannah asks him about the hall’s mysterious mystery and Justin throws her out in the rain: nice thanks indeed! 

Every time I read these parts my hands itch, I swear.

The next three chapters contain some scenes seen tons and tons of times of dialogues in American highschools, vandalism, parties, alcohol, continuous sexual innuendo, etc… 

Definitely boring, except that it is rather irritating because of the exorbitant number of idiocies and atrocities that are said.

So, for Halloween a certain Ricky, captain of some-random-sport’s team, asks Savannah to go out with him, she does not want to, he insists and then Christian Grey tells José that Anastasia said she did not want to kiss him … oh, sorry, who knows why I thought of that scene…

Um, I think I’m busy.” I lied as I looked down.

Oh, I don’t think so. I can make you have a wonderful evening,” Ricky whispered lightly, kissing my cheek.

U-uhm no, thank you. And now, please, get off me.” I stuttered, trying not to attract attention.  

Come to my party!

She told you to get away from her!” I heard a familiar voice coming from behind Ricky.

Bieber!Ricky laughed. “You’ve finally come out of your hole!

Maybe because it is the same damn stereotypical shitty scene? I would say so.

Bieber takes her away after making her say that she prefers him to Ricky (… I’m speechless… this Ricky did not do even a millionth of Justin’s wrongs …).

He takes her into his mysterious hall and apologizes: good, and does he give her the money back? Of course not! Will he behave differently from now on? Ahaha, come on, no kidding! So how much are his apologies worth? Look, yesterday I found five cents pierced at my grandmother’s house, in my opinion they have more value.

In addition to this, he now basically demands of her to go out with him that night for a “mischief”; a vandalistic act against Ricky’s car. But why??? 

Ok, Justin is a thug, so vandal too, that’s fine, but why doesn’t Savannah rebel (she won’t rebel at all, I can assure you of that)?? Ricky was bothering her a lot, all right, I don’t like him either, he tried to kiss her, but to the point for Bieber to ruin his car sounds like overkill! 

“What if I don’t get out?” I challenged him.

“I’ll drag you out myself. Simple.”

I will never understand what is so appealing about this Neanderthal’s attitude. Let me explain: if these two were already together and this was a game, there would be nothing wrong about it. But here he is a violent criminal who has already forced her to give him one thousand dollars, and has insulted and threatened her several times: he speaks seriously, and she, instead of being scandalized, talking about it with her parents or calling the police, jokes and giggles!

Then there is another dialogue with Decklon and we discover that Savannah is really a floozy: basically, she tells us that she finds him sweet and would like to spend more time with him, but earlier she said she was attracted to Justin and accepted his invitation to go out at night. My contempt for her grows with every line I read.

Next, we read about how Justin wants to fuck Savannah (ok, that was obvious) and how he treats his mother without any respect: he speaks vulgarly in front of her and laughs in an arrogant way in front of her reproaches. My mother would have slapped me, and she would have been right.

Anyway, he orders Savannah to come to his house for the night lying to her parents and she obeys (of course!), she shows him a series of “hot” photos of Victoria’s Secret and after he is aroused enough they go out to vandalize poor Ricky’s car (I can’t do anything about it, now I pity him, too!).

Justin and Savana go around at night being careful not to get spotted (soft and quick as shadows we must be, my mysteriousss hall!), but actually no, because he already knows that no policemen are in the area (how? Thanks to a nice hole in the plot!). Then they draw a penis on Ricky’s BMW and write ‘asshole’. More precisely, Savannah writes it with Justin there to help her: oh, how romantic is it to vandalize the expensive car of a guy who was rude to you in the morning, huh? If I had the power, I would slam both of you into the reformatory in half a minute!!!

“During the rest of the journey to Justin’s house, I made sure to stay close to him. I knew for sure that I would never walk those streets alone, but with Justin I felt safe. Maybe because half of the city was afraid of him because he was practically a criminal.”

Dear Savannah, I understand your argument very well: but why stop here? Engage directly with a powerful mafia boss, at this point, so you feel safe throughout Italy. Or with a Russian oligarch who is one of Putin’s friends, so you can walk safely throughout Russia, which is far larger than Italy and Canada combined. If it wasn’t clear, I’m sarcastic (over nine thousand!): it’s an abominable message!! Put yourself with a criminal, so you’ll be safe because others fear him!

They sleep together, but do nothing; the next morning (actually afternoon), Justin forces her to prepare breakfast for him.

“Okay, you’re lucky I enjoy cooking.” He smiled, pulling out a pan and placing it on the stove.

“Even if you didn’t like it, I would still have forced you to make me breakfast.”

“Always the same bastard, I see.” Savannah rolled her eyes.

“And I have no intention to change now,” I replied, faking a smile.” 

Ahaha, he’s an asshole, but he’s cool, so despite everything it’s okay!

Ach, no, I can’t, I would need a double dose of valium not to get angry every time I read dialogues like that! 

By the way, the Neanderthal that I mentioned before pointed out to me that he prepares the mammoth, while his wife makes the salad of berries and fruits-of-the-forest, so the two of them even cook together!

After this beautiful sexist moment, here is another one! 

The policemen arrive to ask Justin if he has an alibi for the previous evening and he says that he had sex with Savannah, she confirms (albeit with virginal shame, our dear nun), and they leave. That’s it?? At this point Commissioner Winchester from the Simpsons is much smarter than the average cop at this place!

Ohoh, but it’s time to mention Fifty Shades of Muck once again!

“I could have easily seduced you tonight and fucked you so much that you wouldn’t have been able to walk, but I didn’t. Consider yourself lucky.”

There are those who are inspired by William Shakespeare, those who have Thomas Mann as their idol, those who quote George Orwell, and then there is this author who has read Fifty Shades. What else can be said? Top quality shit.

Since Savastasia is a floozy, Justin Grey makes her say ‘Justin is so sexy’, and then brings her home.

Dana goes to Savannah’s house, so many useless and boring blah blah, they prepare for the party, boring, they go to the party, there are many people… sooo boring. Dana disappears, Savannah sees Justin snogging a girl (I still think he would make a lot of money as a gigolo), then Decklon arrives and offers her a drink. They dance a little, then sit on a sofa, kiss and Savannah likes it: everything is normal and quiet, right? But they weren’t ready to deal with the tyrannical father and psychopathic criminal Justin Grey Bieber!

“She was sitting astride Decklon, whose fucking hands were laid in places they shouldn’t have been. That show made me want to pull out a gun and shoot that fucker.

We’re leaving,” I spat, pulling Savannah away from Decklon.  

Man, what the fuck?” muttered Decklon as he got up.

I don’t think you want to turn against me. I could throw your ass to the hospital, I’m sure.

Well, fuck you asshole!” Decklon looked up to the sky.

It took me all my willpower not to hit him.

Let me go! I was busy with Decklon,” Savannah said, pouting.

You don’t want him.” I mumbled, dragging her out.”

This violent madman goes there, thinking of killing Decklon (kill!!), literally snatches Savannah away, drags her out against her will and threatens Decklon again (who does not react, perhaps out of justified fear, perhaps because he too drank too much).

I don’t get it: are we readers supposed to empathize with the protagonists or hope for them to end up in jail or worse?

Savannah is an idiot incapable of reacting nor expressing her own will, Justin is a violent arrogant criminal: this is all so absurd and horrible!

Justin takes her home, but she is drunk and flirts with him. Where are her parents?? 

They always manage to disappear in a convenient way, there is nothing to say. But he rejects her because she is drunk (a little good deed does not change anything!), and then they argue and Savannah, for once, says what I (and any reader capable of reasoning) think too:

“You’re a fucking asshole! You’re irritating, you send confusing cues, you’re full of yourself, you look like a fucking girl with a period and then there’s this thing of the fucking corridor that you don’t want to talk to me about.”

Oh yes! Of course, you should also have mentioned the fact that he is a violent and psychopathic criminal, and avoiding the sexist comparison with girls during the menstrual cycle, but patience, it is already a cut above.

He replies that he can’t tell her his top secret mystery, that it is because of certain bitches such as herself if he has no relationships and only uses women, and leaves slamming the door. (And Savannah’s parents don’t hear anything? Ach, what a suffering…)

The next day she wakes up groggy, remembers Decklon and that Justin took her away from him, but nothing else, so she decides to go to Justin to ask for explanations. He, on the other hand, had sex with one girl he found around (but even with just ten dollars a shot he would make millions in six months, just saying), and he thinks that Savannah is interested in Decklon.

Oh, yes, and when she comes to him, Justin calls her bitch, as he had done the night before.

Ohohoh! But what a beautiful chauvinistic logic, ladies and gentlemen! If he, the man, the dominant male, goes with other women because he feels like it, it is obviously fine, everything is granted to him; if she’s a little undecided, and kisses another guy a little, then she’s a whore. And they are not even together, but Mars damn it all! This kind of crap was written by a woman, translated by a woman, and appreciated by many women: would they like to be called whores by a subject like the Justin of this story? Just unbelievable!

A quarrel ensues, both repetitive and obnoxious, at the end of which Justin kisses her and sends her away. She comes home and cries, but she doesn’t know why, poor puppy.

“I wasn’t interested in him, in my head there was only Decklon. I really liked him, I was fine with him.

But when Justin kissed me, it was like those scenes you see in the movies. It’s as if the world around me stopped at the exact moment when his lips rested on mine. Everything was perfect.”

Although I know I have no hope, I officially fund Team Decklon: let’s help him conquer Savastasia to save her from Justin Grey!

Savannah then receives a phone call from Barbra (who is she???), who tells her of a service for Victoria’s Secret the next day. Hence, that next day Savannah’s mother reappears and they decide to go together to the photo shoot in the afternoon, at school she exchanges a few words with Decklon, who is very courteous and kind, and even manages to get an appointment for the next day. Come on, Decklon, we’re rooting for you!

At the end of a boring school day, this happens:

“Fight, fight, fight, fight.” I heard a chorus coming from the corridor. […]

Making my way among the other students, I saw Justin on Decklon and he was hitting him repeatedly on his face.

“ENOUGH!” I shouted pulling Justin’s shirt. “JUSTIN, STOP!”

“Get out of the way, you!” he spat coldly.

I saw Justin’s eyes changing color. It was like the first day I’d met him. That day I had been absolutely scared of him and at that moment I felt the same way. Even though I had only known him for a month, I knew he wouldn’t beat Decklon for no apparent reason. The light in his eyes told me that something worse must have occurred.

An ambulance was called for Decklon and seeing him taken away on a stretcher broke my heart. Anxiety began to grow in me and the breathing accelerated. Justin was taken by the cops and the situation was getting complicated.

“Are you Savannah Hall?” an officer asked me, touching my shoulder.

“Yes.” I simply replied.

“We have to take you to the central office to question you.”

“Question me? What’s going on?”

“We will explain to you in a more private place. Now, if you comply with our orders, there is a car outside waiting for you.”

Justin beats Decklon with unheard-of ferocity, so much so that an ambulance is needed to urgently take him to the hospital! And everyone has seen it: at this point he can no longer build an alibi. Justin is then arrested (finally!) and Savannah taken to the police station to act as a witness (and why not all the other students present there?…).

There would be two things to note: 

  1. Justin’s eye color changes… Oh, I know, he’s about to turn into the Hulk!
  2. Savannah ‘feels’ that Justin would not beat anyone without a reason: but of course, in fact he is a balanced guy, not the psychopathic criminal who menaces those who enter a corridor as he has been described from chapter one!!

In the police department Sav-Savannah (yes, the diminutive is Sav) learns that the two beat each other for her (really? Who could have guessed it?). 

“Apparently, Justin heard Decklon say something about her. Whatever he heard, he did not like it and faced him for it. Decklon believed he could stand up to him. It was a stupid game like ‘Who wins gets the girl,’ or something like that.”

And here Sav-Sav reacts by saying that she is not a toy: wow, congratulations, a glimpse of pride and dignity! Too bad that earlier she was a doll ready to obey every command of Justin and afterwards she will be back again like one.

One would have to wonder how this policeman knows the background of the fight, but I will overlook it because there is little to do now.

“”Since it was Decklon who started the fight, we will not punish Justin for what he did. We should teach both of them a lesson or let them go. I think it’s easier to get over it.””

I am sure that the police officer was not trained even by Commissioner Winchester, nor even by his son Ralph. Indeed, it seems clear to me by now that it is Ralph who is the head police officer here, so it explains the many absurdities seen so far. 

I don’t know how the law works in various countries, but have you ever heard of the so-called “futile reasons”, which means that if I batter someone (Decklon was taken away in an ambulance, holy heavens!) after he said something wrong, then I will not be punished because it was for futile reasons? Seriously?

Of course, the poor man’s parents will not file a complaint. And apparently, a provocation justifies the massacre: but how does the author’s logic work?? This is a crime and violence glorification! 

I imagine what it would be like to live in such a parallel universe.

“-Look, fanwriter91, you luckly were absent the other day: that bigoted jerk of a hygiene teacher made us write a text about how wrong premarital sex is.- said Evgenij to his friend as they walked through the schoolyard after the end of their classes.

-Ah, that’s just an idiot! And he never punishes Bieber, despite he never does his homework or even shows up for class: does it mean anything that sometimes we have seen her approaching a certain corridor in a circumspect way?- replied the boy winking.

-For me she can do whatever she likes, but during working hours she should be a decent teacher and… – At that moment their discussion was interrupted by several shouts. So many voices shouted “Fight, fight!” from inside the school. The two rushed to see what was happening and, at the entrance to the infamous corridor, they saw Bieber battering Decklon with repeated blows to the face. Then the new girl pulled his shirt and he stopped. Within a few minutes, an ambulance and some police cars arrived. Evgenij and fanwriter91 immediately offered to testify.

They were then brought before Commissioner Winchester, intent on eating a huge donut.

– Oh well, it was a fight between kids, no big deal, we can release this Justin right away, am I right?- the officer asked them. The two boys looked at him petrified.

-What are you saying?? – snapped Evgenij.

-We saw very well that Justin was literally slaughtering Decklon! An ambulance even came and took him away!- exclaimed fanwriter91.

-Eh, but it was Decklon who said something wrong and started, they told me- mumbled the officer biting into the donut.

-Maybe,- continued fanwriter91, -but aren’t these futile reasons to send someone to the hospital?-

-Also- Evgenij  added – there are a lot of rumors about Bieber’s account, it seems that he is involved in drug dealing and in our school he beat a lot of boys whose only mistake was to pass in a certain corridor: before releasing him, would it not be appropriate to investigate these facts thoroughly?-

-Eh, guys, you make it sound so easy… – sighed the policeman – You are referring to the crimes committed by the mysterious Justino el Biebero, a well-known Mexican criminal. Do you think Justin and Justino are the same person? But go… Lucky that now Trump will build that wall…- [Note: the original review was written in 2017.]

-You could at least check…- began fanwriter91, but suddenly a child’s voice resounded on the intercom.

-Come to my office, I want to be a horse!- exclaimed Ralph. The two boys looked at each other in amazement.

-Sorry, but duty is calling me,- said Winchester, quickly exiting the door and leaving them alone.”

At this point Justin and Savannah leave the department together and go to her house. So many blah, useless blah, Justin says that he does not like Decklon (it was obvious by now), Savannah receives a message from Decklon.

“”I’m sorry you had to witness such a scene today. I argued with him for you and that’s all that matters. I hope you will come to tomorrow’s appointment anyway. Let me know.”” 

Come on, Decklon, we’re rooting for you! And congratulations for your regenerative abilities: despite the massacre you are already able to write a text message and tomorrow you will be able to go to the appointment! Forget Wolverine because Decklon is far more powerful!

I must say that holes in the plot are convenient, when they help a character you like.

Justin repeats that Decklon is a jerk, and Savannah finally calls him a hypocrite: and what the hell, as I have repeated several times, Justin treats her like garbage from the beginning of the story, Decklon instead has always been kind. Of course, he wants to sleep alongside a partner, but it seems to me to be completely normal (and Justin wants it too). Justin now says he worries about her and warns her: Decklon is not good for her. Said by a psychopathic criminal who beats people who enter a corridor and sell drugs, it seems to me a reliable judgment. As if to say, I’m getting married, I’ll ask Jack the Ripper’s opinion.

“”Go out with Decklon tomorrow and only then will you realize. I don’t want to deal with you anymore.” He took a deep breath. “Because once he has done what he plans to do, you will be absolutely shocked. I don’t want to be the one who will have to come to your aid and put the pieces of your stupid, fucking heart back together.” Justin laughed madly before heading home.”

What could have he discovered that was so abominable about Decklon’s account? Does he want to sell Savannah as a prostitute the next day? Rape her? 

Really, I can only think of these atrocious things as reasons to justify such beating and hatred. 

Obviously we in the Decklon team do not believe these allegations, come on, Decklon!

Savannah, on the other hand, is now sad (idiot!), and has already decided not to go on the date with Decklon. But why?? At least give him the opportunity to explain himself, to respond to the vague accusations made against him by a psychopathic criminal! 

Then she talks to her mother and we find out that Savannah’s mom is also an idiot: first she jokes on the brawl (“Wow, you’ve just arrived and there are already two guys fighting for you.”), then she worries more about the guy who beat Decklon to death than about the latter who ended up in the hospital!

In addition, she tells her daughter that her father was also a bad boy at a younger age: I guess he was like the protagonist of Grease, that is an angel compared to the Bieber described in this story!!

But above all, why does she encourage her daughter to date someone who is described to her as a violent man who beats to blood another boy who just flirted with her daughter?? It’s not a good thing, moronic floozy mom!

Ok, the mother accompanies her daughter to Justin’s house: what can we do about it, she probably wants her daughter to continue the family tradition.

She goes in and finds a red-eyed Justin in the house: aah, he’s a Sith! This explains many things! For example, using mind control abilities over the police, the teachers and Savannah to make them behave in such an absurd way. 

Unfortunately not, he just smoked ganja.

But beware because, after another couple of boring jokes, we will finally know what Decklon has done was so heinous for him deserve to be sent to the hospital.

In any case, Team Decklon has already hired a team of lawyers who will exonerate him from any charges.

“”It feels like a day like any other. I was loitering in the hallway and Decklon and his stupid friends were talking. He was telling them how he had had fun with you at the party and how he thought you were going to fall at his feet. He went on to say that if you started a relationship he would become famous and could have any girl he wanted.” He sighed, then continued. “He doesn’t deserve you. I intervened to defend you.””

Ah, so Decklon just wanted to use her to become famous.

Dismiss the lawyers now before they ask for a fee for these ten seconds, quick! 

Ok, it seems that Decklon was not entirely honest but, for one thing, this is Justin’s version of events: there are no videos nor messages, it’s just Justin who tells her this. Second, all this evil plot does not seem to me even remotely cruel or criminal such as selling drugs or beating people or committing break-ins and extortion against a poor cretin incapable to understand and take action, am I right, Bieber? 

Despite this, she believes in it as gospel. It follows again that Savannah is an idiot: Decklon doesn’t appear as often as Justin, but he always behaves as a good guy, totally the opposite of Bieber, and does nothing that would lead to suspect anything wrong with him. Instead Justin is a violent criminal! I know I’m repeating myself, but holy heavens! The message of this story is to trust violent criminals who boss you and insult you because deep down they love you! Long live March 8th…

And, as if that were not enough, they are beginning to kiss each other, but right after that comes another girl that he had called to fuck! I just don’t understand, how do you trust a subject like that, to call him ambiguous is just an ultra-mega-super-euphemism!

Savannah leaves a little irritated, but still does not doubt his words. Really, what’s the point? Justin has just shown that as soon as she leaves for half a minute (seriously, they were without seeing each other for two or three hours at most) he looks for a random slut to shag (in my opinion he would make millions by lowering the price even to five dollars, again, just saying, eh).

Then there is a very boring description of how Justin prepares to go after her (after sending the other girl away), how he meets Savannah’s mother, how they all go to the headquarters of Victoria’s Secret or whatever it is, how Justin must do everything not to get aroused by all those half-naked women and how he and Savannah immediately make peace just because he came there.

“I felt my jaw touch the floor and my penis became hard. I had been with a lot of girls and had seen many of them in underwear, but none of them could compare to Savannah.”

My modest impression is that the combination of vulgar elements such as ‘the penis getting hard’ combined with Japanese anime metaphors such as ‘the jaw touching the floor’ is completely grotesque and horrifying. There might be those who like it, I guess…

Recalling for a moment the meeting between Justin and Savannah’s mother, we have already ascertained that she is a floozy, and therefore it is no wonder that she is all happy to bring this dangerous subject with her daughter. However, try to imagine yourself in her shoes: you have just learned that the two lovers of your sixteen-year-old daughter have beaten each other badly for her to the point one of the two has massacred the other by sending him to the hospital, and the winner shows up at your threshold asking for your daughter. First, I guess you would think of this guy as a violent madman obsessed with your daughter, then you would call the police. Unfortunately, in this universe Ralph Winchester would answer you and you will not get anything out of it. So, what to do?

Here is a list of suggestions from fanwriter91:

A) take the rifle and shoot as if there is no tomorrow (that’s America, baby);

B) take the armor for Theoden cosplay that you had done when your daughter had cosplayed Eowyn in kindergarten, go out shouting “DEAATH!” and do justice (LotR rules!);

C) you politely invite him to come with you, then you stop at the pier where “The Boss” awaits you with the fresh cement that you have urgently requested (in short, if Justin can exploit all the holes in the plot that he needs, you can do it too);

D) you kick him out in a bad way and call your husband on the phone (after all he was a bad boy too, wasn’t he?);

E) pretend not to be in the house (but Bieber may know that you are there and knock down the house by blowing very hard, so this choice is risky);

F) get a lawyer (and who knows, maybe you can even get Ralph fired…).

Then Savannah has to take topless pictures: but isn’t she a minor? Wouldn’t that be banned? Bah, listen, do whatever you like, after all in that universe there is Ralph Winchester to guarantee law and order.

Justin talks for two seconds with Barbra, Sav-Sav’s colleague, and she mentions that Sav has suffered in the past… Another mysterious mystery about which we don’t give a damn.

Eventually the two kiss, Justin takes her home and they lock themselves in her room, and he gloats because he’s about to make it.

Unfortunately for him, Savannah’s mother calls them back saying that it is late and so they just decide to sleep together.

Oh, I’m sorry Justin, it’s not gonna be tonight! Team Decklon, hurray!

However, Savannah still reminds us that she blindly believes Justin and considers Decklon an asshole. And it is at this point that we move on to THE POV (ah, yes, the fic is full of these point of view’s switch, a seasickening stuff) to find out that Justin is the only real bastard (oh, what have you just told me?).

“I had planned to have sex with her that night, but apparently I would have to wait a little longer. Since she felt comfortable when she was with me and we solved the issue of our first kiss, it would take me a week at most.

Did I like her? Ahaha, no!

So why did I go crazy when other guys spoke to her? Simple, if she had started falling in love with another guy it would have blown up all my plans.”

I don’t give a fig, about whatever his plans are. What I want to celebrate is this further confirmation of the fact that the only real bastard asshole (as well as criminal, violent and psychopath) is him: come on Decklon, we’re all rooting for you!

The next day they go to school, Decklon meets Savannah alone (he is already healed, miracle!) and she tells him to go to hell.

“”What? I fought with Justin for you. He’s the asshole of the situation, I ended up in the hospital because of him.”

“Oh, shut up. I’m sure you enjoyed all the attention,” I commented, sour.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” asked Decklon, hitting my locker and getting closer to me.

“The only reason you wanted to go out with me was only so you could be popular? You thought that staying with me would’ve made many other girls fall to your feet, didn’t you? I’m sorry to tell you, but that’s not how it fucking works.”

“I-I didn’t mean that. Where did you hear it?” he asked.

“Guess who? From Justin.” I spat nervously.

“Oh, but please. Justin is trying to make me look like the bad guy in the situation just so he can get into your underwear.”

“Yes of course, as if.” I mocked him knowing that Justin would never do such a thing to me.

“Well Savannah, good luck with your life.” Decklon rolled his eyes leaving me.”

Well said, Decklon!!! A burst of applause!!! For Decklon, hip-hip-hurrah!!!

You did very well to tell her back to get lost, you will see that with your resourcefulness, combined with your respect and your courtesy, you will be able to find a girl much better than her, maybe less beautiful, but certainly smarter!

Seriously, let’s speculate the case where the so-called Decklon’s plan was actually a thing: then it wouldn’t make any sense. Consider it : Decklon wanted to become popular so he could fuck all the girls he managed to gather. I don’t know about it, but I don’t quite understand the meaning: you frequent a famous girl and you become famous as well, but you shine with her reflected light, as soon as you distance yourself from her no one will look at you anymore. I don’t see how it can work…

Also, Justin already lays with all the girls, and now he wants her: it seems that he has already implemented Decklon’s plan, but in reverse. I don’t really see how he should be any better.

And anyway there is no evidence against Decklon, our favorite character!

Then there is a dialogue between Justin and Ryan where we learn that Ryan shagged with Dana, while we are reminded of Justin’s evil ambitions towards Savannah: who would have expected it from this violent criminal obsessed with a corridor??

Finally, Sav-Sav meets Dana and they talk a bit, the protagonist gives us the summary of the last three chapters (I imagine that normal readers lose their memory after each scene because of Beiber being so cool), and they are all happy that their boyfriends are best friends. 

From these latest facts it seems to emerge that Justin just wants to use Sav-Sav, but hey, this is a Justin Bieber fanfiction, so I’m pretty ready to bet that before the finale Savannah will actually warm his cold heart and they will live happily ever riding a flying unicorn. Now, however, perhaps I am extrapolating too much from the first chapters, it could also end up differently: maybe Savannah finally understand that he is a dangerous criminal and leave him, but, given that Bieber is praised in every chapter, it seems unlikely to me that this is the direction of the story.

Nothing interesting happens in the next chapter. Justin still pretends to be romantic towards Savannah (and in the meantime plans to make her do his homework…) and invites her to go somewhere on Ryan’s father’s boat. Before of this, Decklon reappears and exchanges two lines of dialogue with Bieber, and reproaches him for having tattled and for being hypocritical because Justin too just wants to have sex with Savannah (go, Decklon!), but nothing really significant happens, unfortunately.

To sum up: there is a violent criminal who beats those who pass in a corridor, the female protagonist meets him and for some unexplained reason he begins to always be around her, bosses her, insults and mistreats her, but she never rebels; then he beats another guy who courted her, he tells her that he wanted to protect her (but it could very well be a lie), she buys it and finds him sweet. 

The Italian translation stopped here. 

Of course, there was the original English version. But it was not easy to find: it was on a website called “Justin Bieber Fanfiction Plus”, sickeningly filled from top to bottom with Bieber pictures, whose access was fortunately forbidden to minors.

I’m using the past tense because at least from 2019 I have not been able to open it.

In addition, according to the information I found online, the website in question was automatically closed on February 20, 2022.

But I do remember that the original fanfiction’s title was “Hazzard Hall”… What the hell, but is it difficult to count the ‘z’?? Seriously, ‘hazzard’ with two ‘z’ is an English mistake!

However, despite my liking for horror and this genre of obsession, I was not able to read it all, also because at the time we only dealt with Italian fanfictions and then the level of English of this fic was very bad (like Fifty Shades of Shit) and I could not inflict more pain upon me.

I just want to tell you that Decklon almost completely disappears from the rest of the story, as well as the criminal component of the story (how so, what about the mythical “The Boss”? Maybe he met Heisenberg from Breaking Bad and took the beating). Justin keeps being only a violent and treacherous asshole (yes, he continues to cheat on Savannah and she always forgives him…) and there are thirty-five (35!) chapters full of prattling like: Justin making fun of Savannah’s parents pretending to be a good person, Savannah cannot be offended whenever Justin gets another temporary mate (specifically Barbra, do you remember her?), but she can’t even dream of flirting with another, and stuff like that. But even the original version was interrupted at some point, far from being finished.

And apparently it was a success: 1042 reviews!

It must be said that most of them looked like this:

“legit want to scream rn hjitedjcdfjhdhxjnndbckvsgkl im so excited but justin best keep his friend in his pants!”

So ok… Our couple of sensible reviews written by pen pals are much better.

You know, at first I thought this story was just a cheap love story, that is, an exaggeratedly romantic tale and quite senseless destined to women, but not pornographic. Then I had to change my mind. This fanfic is a jumble of stereotypes, predominant sexism, crime and violence glorifications, nonsense and various stupidities. 

With anger and despair,

Evgenij 

PS: However, it must be said that I also had a lot of fun inventing jokes and skits to parody this fic. In fact, fanwriter91 and I began to imagine what the main scene would have been like if, instead of the protagonist, someone else ended up in Bieber’s forbidden corridor. So here are the results of our sick imagination (this fic is brain damaging).

Bieber vs Makoto (Sailor Jupiter)

Makoto arrived late that day at school. After all, the night before she had been standing late with the other sailor warriors to save the world once again. Then she took the shortest route to her class, not realizing that she was passing through a dark corridor. Suddenly, a hand grabbed her by the arm.

-What are you doing here? This is my corridor!- Bieber asked icy with a strange light in his eyes.

Later, the local news broadcast the following report:

-Latest news, recently, in a high school, the drug dealer known as Justin Bieber was heavily beaten by a new schoolmate of his who got lost in the facility. The boy reported hematomas, bruises, fractures to the pelvis due to a powerful kick and lost twenty-seven teeth, rigorously collected. 

However, the girl who bombarded him with sledgehammers said she had been provoked, so the police, run by Commissioner Ralph Winchester, decided to release her.-


Bieber vs Mikasa Ackerman (from “Attack on Titan”)

Mikasa walked quietly and safely to her classroom. She had recently arrived at that school, so she didn’t know she had to avoid a certain dark corridor, and since it was the shortest route, she crossed it quickly. But one hand grabbed her by the shoulder before she could turn the corner.

-How dare you cross my corridor? You don’t know what awaits you!- threatened Bieber, grinning cruelly. Mikasa simply returned her gaze, impassive and icy.

Later, the local news broadcast the following report:

-Latest news, recently, in a high school, the drug dealer known as Justin Bieber was literally torn to pieces by a new classmate of his. Apparently, the latter always keeps with her a set of six sharp blades more than half a meter long, which she uses to fight the titans, according to her words.The boy’s bloody remains were taken away by the forensics before a horde of horny girls could keep them for themselves. However, the girl who slaughtered him, named Mikasa, said that she was provoked and acted for the glory of humanity, so the police, run by Commissioner Ralph Winchester, decided to release her. That’s all, and remember: Seid ihr das Essen? Nein, wir sind die Jäger!-


Bieber vs Light Yagami (aka Kira… oops, spoiler!!!)

Light confidently swaggered through the school corridors, followed by Ryuk.

-Light, I think we got lost.- mumbled the shinigami.

-But no, Ryuk, I know perfectly well where we are.- replied the boy, too arrogant to admit a mistake. He turned the corner and entered a dark corridor.

-Light, I’m afraid this place is dangerous…-

-I’ve never thought you were such a chicken, Ryuk.-

-Not at all, I really hope something exciting happens: so far this day has been an infernal boredom!- said the god of death, chuckling. 

At that moment, a blond boy emerged from the darkness and appeared in front of Light.

-You! You dared to cross my corridor, and now you will pay for it!- he threatened him by pointing his finger at him.

-Oh, and who would you be?- asked Light, taking a notebook from his jacket pocket.

-I’m Justin Bieber, and no one can go through my hallway! This is my myssstery corridor, do you underssstand?- growled Bieber hissing.

-Um, um, really interesting…- Light murmured while writing the name in his notebook. 

-What are you writing?- asked Justin confusedly. –Well, it doesn’t matter, I’ll give you… – and at that moment he stopped with his gaze lost in the void. 

-Yes? Can I go now?- asked Light, falsely kind.

-But of course, go ahead, my God…- Bieber replied with his voice off. Light and Ryuk walked away.

-Hahaha, Light, being with you is always a blast!- exclaimed Ryuk.


Bieber vs L (aka…?)

A boy with deep dark circles under the eyes wandered near a dark corridor. Justin immediately emerged from the darkness and looked at him menacingly.

-How dare you cross my corridor? Now I will beat you to blood!- he cried out furiously attacking him. But immediately four Japanese police officers with their faces covered by a helmet arrived from both ends of the corridor and immobilized him, then blindfolding him.

-Excellent work, superintendent Yagami.- said L in an atonal voice. Then he turned to Bieber. -We just got a tip that you would be Kira. After all, there’s at least one in more than seven billion chances that you are him, so we thought it was worth a trip to Canada… and then I go crazy for maple syrup.-

At that moment, Bieber agitated convulsively, let out a rattle and then fell to the ground dead. Soichiro Yagami approached to check.

-But he died… of a heart attack!- he exclaimed.

-So… this means… that he is not Kira!- said Matsuda with sweat on his forehead for the reasoning fatigue. The other policemen looked at him with an air of reproach.

-Good, Matsuda… Now go and buy me a maple syrup burrito, and do it early before Trump builds his wall.- he ordered L with sufficiency. 

As Matsuda walked away, Light watched the scene, well hidden in the flight of stairs. In his hand he held the notebook, which read:

“Justin Bieber. He lets go of Light Yagami revering him as a god, then calls the Japanese police, number […], and says he knows that Kira is in the dark corridor of the xxx school in the city of yyy in Canada. Later, he attacks the first boy he sees with dark circles under his eyes and unusual attire. Finally, after a minute, he dies of a heart attack.”

-I am the God of a new world, and today I have eliminated a great plague!- murmured Light, smiling wickedly.

-You can say that again!- sneered Ryuk.


Bieber vs Chuck Norris

One day Chuck Norris arrived at the end of Hazard Hall. Why? Because. After all he’s Chuck Norris, and if you don’t like it you’ll receive a flying kick. But immediately Bieber appeared before him.

-Hey, you! Do you know where you are? This is my corridor! No one can pass here! This is my kin… – but he couldn’t finish the sentence.

POW!

As Justin’s body flew past the smashed windows to the other side of the world, Chuck Norris snapped his fingers and there was light also in that part of the corridor. 

-No, this is part of MY kingdom now!- he finally said, as all the students gathered around him to revere and worship him.

Bieber vs Leon Scott Kennedy (from “Resident Evil 2 and 4”)

Leon ran down the corridor. Immediately Bieber appeared in front of him. He was about to start with his rigmarole about the corridor, but Leon pressed a button to skip the cutscene and immediately attacked him. 

After he easily defeated and handcuffed him, he revealed to him that he had been sent there by the president of the United States of America on purpose to capture him, and that they had revoked him from his mission in which he was supposed to stop a new diabolical machination of the Umbrella Corporation. A few moments later a nuclear explosion was seen rising on the horizon.

“Well, there are other priorities!” thought Leon.

But little did he know that at that very moment Wesker was amiably arguing with Trump in the White House about the benefits of turning all Mexicans into zombies, and that he had managed to convince the president to declare war on Canada by relying on the fact that that morning the latter had poured maple juice on himself during breakfast. Would Leon be able to stop them in time? 

That’s another story…

Bieber vs Gollum

While searching for his precious, Gollum accidentally ended up in a Canadian school. This is what happens when you have too much fun writing crossovers.

As soon as he arrived, he looked for a dark place in which to hide from the ugly bright face of the sun, and then found a corridor with no light on. While crawling in the dim light he came across Justin Bieber. 

Initially the boy would have slaughtered even that miserable creeping creature, but Gollum cried and wriggled on the cold floor, groaning and complaining about his unhappiness. He had lost his precious, and his life was nothing without it. Bieber and Gollum looked into each other’s eyes and understood each other: among psychopaths it is not difficult, after all.

Gollum then promised Bieber that he would bring him better preys: two boys, one very thin and weak, and another fat and stupid. He would give him the two idiots and in return he would ask for only one thing: a small ring that one of the two boys uselessly wore hanging around his neck. 

At the idea of such a deal, Justin immediately accepted: in truth, he did not even think of keeping the pact with Gollum. He would also take the ring, and use it to seduce more easily the next stupid model that would happen to be in his way.

Unaware of this, Gollum crawled away. Later he realized that unfortunately one could not enter Mordor through that dark corridor, and therefore had to resort to another one, equally occupied by a dodgy tenant.

Justin Bieber vs Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber was running in despair. His fans were at his heels, so randy and angry that they frightened him. It was really a stupid idea to organize a concert in that school and do an inspection without bodyguards. 

He slipped into a dark corridor and gasped, hoping to have lost them. At that moment a hand grabbed him by the shoulder and forced him to turn around violently. It was like being in front of the mirror.

-Who are you?- murmured Bieber, petrified with amazement.

-I am you!- exclaimed Justin fiercely. -Or rather, I am the literary projection of yourself created by a crazy fan of yours! And I hate you madly!- 

-No, wait… what… Why do you hate me?- asked Bieber stuttering in terror. Justin the psychopathic drug dealer bully laughed angrily, and his eyes turned red.

-Why??? You even dare to ask? Do you know what it means to have been created in your own image, but with the curse to constantly be an asshole no matter what?? – he furiously barked. – I am forced to be mad and/or horny from morning to night, I never have a break where I can be a normal person, I continue to jump from an absurd scene to a series of senseless or cruel behaviors: existing for me is torture! And you are the cause of my existence!-

-But… but how am I involved with it… – murmured Bieber. – I am not at all like that … I don’t understand these fans at all… they are crazy, but according to my agent I can not report them… I don’t know, why don’t you talk with your author…-

Justin grinned sadistically:- Done that. Why do you think she stopped updating the fanfiction! But I still exist! And now you will pay for it!- And he raised his fist. At that moment the screaming crowd of girls invaded the corridor. Bieber took the opportunity to push his evil doppelganger against the crowd and flee. As he ran, he still heard him screaming:- No matter how many you are: I’ll fuck and kick you all in whatever order I want! That’s why I exist!-

And with this metaliterary scene we conclude the review!

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